Hello my friend. My name is Alp, and my friend is Os. We come from Turkey. We have one question for you my friend. We would like to ask in private. You have a grass pipe, dude, man?

Me and Os are cousins. In Turkey, we attend the same school. In Turkey, you can buy hash all over the place, man. My favorite DJs are Paul Oakenfold and Chemical Brothers. Now let me ask you what we have come to talk about. Do you know where we can get a grass pipe?

In Turkey, we smoke all the time. But when we come here, we cannot do it. Me and Os want very bad to smoke and play FIFA.

Also I like Tupac. “Ain't nothin' but a gangsta, baby.”

We know some Turkish girls. We can take you to them. We're going to their apartment tonight. Me and Os always get lots of girls in Turkey. I want to meet some American girls.

Please, do you have a grass pipe, dude, man? You can come by my room. I live on the second floor. You can tell because of the smell of cologne, and the sound of my favorite DJs.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.