Begin in Mountain Pose. Take this time to set your intention for practice today. For example, “I wish I was employed,” or, “I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good—I would call her,” or “If I wish really hard and close my eyes really tight, can I make this pandemic disappear?”
Let’s go into Sun Salutation. Reach your arms up to the sky, and grab from the heavens your dream job. Or any job. Literally anything that will provide you with a livable income, preferably with the option to work remotely.
Oh and also sneakers. You need new sneakers.
Bring your hands into prayer, in front of your heart space, giving thanks for PPE. Feel the sensations in your body and the interconnectedness between you and the mask-wearing UberEats delivery guy. Inhale. Telepathically tip him generously.
Swan dive into a delicious forward-fold, reaching not only for your toes, but for a decisive understanding of this UBI thing you keep hearing about so you can formulate an unwavering opinion about it. Inhale through your nose and as you exhale, repeat “I understand economics.”
Assume a plank pose on the mat that you ordered from Amazon, mentally petitioning Jeff Bezos to treat his employees properly.
Hold plank for long enough to feel your core fire up and use that energy to manifest a new President for Brazil who isn’t such a dumbass moron. Commence pranayama breathing technique while in one-arm plank for extra heat; send vibes to discourage Putin from… anything he’s thinking of doing.
Lower all the way down to your belly. Consider the way the floor supports you, with little to no effort on your part, just like the Emergency Funds provided to everyone by the government right now. Extend your arms overhead for Superman pose. Channel an actual real-life Superman with the capacity to eradicate all current and future viruses. Breathe in a sense of faith. Breathe out an unfounded trust that it is already so.
Press yourself up and back, into downward dog. Take a deep breath in, and exhale with Lion’s Breathe, effectively rescuing any animals from harm, protecting all endangered species, and restoring those from extinction. Return to plank on an inhale, and yogi’s choice into any asana to summon freedom and peace to every part of the world ravaged by violence and war. Sit back into child’s pose. Energetically breathe more length into your arms. Your long, long arms. Oh yeah. No more corrupt cops. Inhale, exhale.
Way to earn your keep by doing yoga by yourself on your living room floor. Remember, you’re doing this for the betterment of humanity and your practice is currency.
Lie in Savasana. Notice how you felt at the beginning of your practice, and how you feel now. What? You’re the same exact person you were 30 minutes ago and you’re just as unemployed as ever and the world outside is still in the throes of multi-crisis? Okay, but like, you probably feel like you can breathe better now, right? A little stronger, maybe? Whatever, there're worse ways to spend your time.