Sorry to everyone who was excited to eat healthier, but we’re sad to report that this salad is the boring kind. Yep, one of those. It has all the elements you think are good, but it doesn’t quite have the same zing. Sorry to disappoint, but this salad is just bland. It's not you, and it's not the dressing. This salad is just a salad.

It's not all bad though. You’ll be happy to know that some of the fan favorites make an appearance on this dish. Classics like lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, cucumber, and ranch dressing all show up in this dinner bowl. (Does it even count as healthy with the ranch?) In another meal, this could be a welcome surprise or a rational substitution. Here though, this is a cross to bear. Despite the classic features, this green salad is very boring.

There remains much to be desired in this giant bowl. You won’t find any bacon bits, no hard-boiled eggs, no cheeses of any variety. You’d be hard-pressed to find any arugula, and you might see a stray garbanzo bean, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. A black olive is a pipe dream and an avocado would sooner appear in a lasagna than in this salad. If you think you're getting a sliced apple in your bowl, think again. You're getting the bare minimum here.

No, this is just a boring salad. It’s not a bad salad by any means, but it’s not good. Definitely not good. A crouton could change everything, but nope. This is a bread-free salad. No side rolls nor pita pockets. Not a nut to toss in, no crumbles or crumbs. Even a fun dressing would make this a little more tolerable. Imagine those ingredients with a ginger miso dressing, wow! That would be spectacular. Sadly, this is not that salad. No, this salad is just what you think it is: nothing to write home about. Dull as the day is long. Barely worth your attention to eat it.

If this salad was a font, it would be Times New Roman. If it was a celebrity, it would be Ed Harris. It would love the band U2 and would drive a Nissan Altima. It would sell car insurance. This salad would watch The Office and quote Friends. It would say things like “The humidity is rough today,” and “My allergies are killing me!” And you would sit there and endure it, just like you’re going to endure eating this very boring salad.

On the bright side, the salad will make you healthier. You'll poop great tomorrow, and that's not nothing. You might even get a spring in your step, an extra bounce of energy. Unfortunately, that all comes at the cost of ingesting this aforementioned salad. Even the word is becoming boring to you now. Salad. Salad. Salad. Sad-lad. Salud. Seeleed. Whatever, it's a salad. You'll eat it and then wish you had eaten something better, like a sandwich. Even a soup! Soups can be pretty healthy… but hindsight is 20/20 and you're stuck eating this boring, bland, forgettable, unremarkable-in-all-ways salad.

Consider this lunch to be a learning curve. Not every meal can be mind-blowing, as you've so learned here today. You will not fall in love with every eat. This is just one of those, like a new album from an old band, it's just not as good as you wanted it to be. Like a Tuesday trip to the DMV, it's just something you have to do. Like a first date from Tinder, just a lesson for next time. Enjoy your food, or at least tolerate it. You can try again at dessert.


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