By contributing writer J.B. Hour

“Well it is much easier for you to only have that many shoes. Since I have the option of wearing a skirt, pants, or three-quarter length pants to work, it opens the shoes possibility. Also, in the summer, I can wear open-toed shoes, in the fall I can wear pumps, and in the winter I can wear boots. So with that alone, I have to have a black, brown, and a neutral pair of each type. That is nine pairs right there. Those shoes also double as my going out shoes. Then I must have nice shoes in the event I have to wear an evening dress somewhere. I have a pair for the winter and the summer. Then, I have my sneakers. I have my working out sneakers, my stylish sneakers, and my pair that can get dirty. Then I have an array of flip flops and sandals. So you see how I could easily rack up that many shoes. …It’s all about options.”

Indeed, it IS all about options. That is actually an exact quote from my ex-girlfriend. And no, she’s not my ex-girlfriend because she’s obsessed with shoes. All girls are obsessed with shoes. She’s my ex-girlfriend because I’m not a nice person. Since I’m really into metaphors I’m going to take the time to shoe you (pun intended) how to apply this philosophy about shoes to your options with women. Women are obsessed with footwear and clothes, and men are obsessed with women. If she can have fifty pairs of shoes or pants, then I can have fifty women. We’ll start at the top.

The Skirt

The woman who wears a skirt is a very obvious type of woman. Clearly she isn’t afraid to show some skin, which is good, because the less I have to work to see some skin, the less likely I am to be considered a peeping tom. To the girl in 6B, I wasn’t “staring” in your window. And no, I don’t even own a telescope.

The Pants

Women who always wear pants never put out. I can say this with absolute certainty because I’ve never hooked up with a girl wearing pants. I make them take them off first. Write that one down. Seriously, loosen up. Wear a mini-skirt, or a bikini bottom. Hell, wear nothing at all. It’s not that these girls don’t WANT to put out, it’s that they don’t want you to think they’re whores. (That one is for the girl who left me a nasty comment regarding my last article. You’re on notice.)

The Three-Quarter Length Pants

This one is probably my least favorite article of clothing worn by women. The bottom line is, these women are just plain indecisive. They can’t decide whether they want you to look at their legs or not. They REALLY want you to, but they don’t want to be too obvious. There is nothing attractive about this. Seeing nothing but a girl’s shin is ugly. Of course, this is nothing a pair of scissors won’t fix, though.

Open-Toed Shoes

I’m really trying to tie this one in to a type of woman, but it’s really fucking hard. I guess they like you to see parts of their body that you normally wouldn’t see. So, in actuality, these women are exhibitionists. That’s “flashers” for those of you who don’t know the term. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that they would flash you if you asked. These are the kinds of girls you’ll see dancing on the top of tables after a few too many shots of whatever lame chick shot they’ve been doing for the past hour. The next time you see a girl wearing open-toed shoes, ask her for a peep shoe. (It never gets old.) Don’t forget to wear your sneakers though; you may have to bolt afterwards.

Pumps

If you’re hooking up with a girl wearing pumps, do not, under any circumstance, let her take them off during the act. I repeat, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LET HER TAKE THEM OFF DURING SEX. NO BAJO NINGUNA CIRCUNSTANCIA DEJARON SU TOMA APAGADO DURANTE SEXO. Got it? Good. There’s just something about this that you, as a guy, are going to love. Who knows, maybe it goes back to all the White Snake videos in the 80’s with the chick with huge hair, red lipstick, and torn blue jeans wearing pumps.

Boots

BORING! To all the girls who wear the boots with the jeans tucked in to them, STOP IT. PÁRELO. ARRÊTEZ-LE. STOPPEN SIE ES. ARRESTILO. PARE-O. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? . Whatever language you speak, this is not attractive. In fact, it is fashionably disastrous. Every time I see a girl wearing these I go out of my way to let her know how horrible this looks. I’ll weave it in and out of conversation like a bad car chase from COPS.

Sneakers

Chicks who wear sneakers are usually very laidback. Either that or they know I’m around and are prepared to run. That’s cool though, I brought my bike. No, that wasn’t me either, last Tuesday, when you had on that green sundress. How did I know you wore a green sundress last Tuesday? Did I actually say Tuesday? Wait! Shit, where’s my bike?

So maybe I could never get fifty women. Or, maybe I could, depending on how serious kidnapping charges are in Somalia. My point is that women really are like shoes. The more you have, the more you want. And when you wear gigantic holes in their bottoms, you can get new ones at that one store, on the corner.

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