Thank you for completing our company’s mandatory interactive cybersecurity training video. Loyalty and discretion are core tenants of our organization, and it is imperative you keep our data safe. Answer the following questions based on real cybersecurity scenarios our employees may encounter:

You receive an email from an unverified sender offering you a $500 Amazon gift card if you click the embedded link.

A: Click The Link.
B: Don’t Click The Link.

Good. Don’t click the link. Now, a wild badger climbs through the break room window and makes a beeline for your unguarded computer. You can see from the determination in his beady little eyes that he’s dead set on clicking that link. He wants malware installed in our company’s operating system. What do you do?

A: Calmly Call IT.
B: Engage In Combat.

Correct. Subsection 4 of your contract clearly states you agree to engage in hand-to-hand combat with anyone compromising the company’s integrity. Strike him between the eyes with your corporate-issued steel-toed boots. The badger should be bleeding out on your floor after 10-15 strikes. In this situation, is it appropriate to:

A: Read The Badger Its Last Will And Testament.
B: Watch The Badger Take Its Final Breaths And Cooly Light A Cigarette.

Smoking generally isn’t allowed on office premises, but you’re right, for cybersecurity purposes—and company optics—we’ll allow it. Suddenly, click, click, click. It’s the unmistakable sound of expensive dress shoes on linoleum tile. Standing above the badger carcass is a well-dressed man who speaks in a nondescript European accent. “I see you killed my badger,” he says, to which you nod. “I don’t like it when people kill my badger.”

A: Ask Him Where He Got His Shoes.
B: Say, “Your Badger Received Mercy Compared To What You’ve Got Coming.”

Wonderful. Deliver that line convincingly. He’ll see through any hesitation. He pulls out a lance.

A: Pull Out Your Corporate-Issued Desk Lance.
B: Calmly Call IT.

“Well met,” he says, as you brandish your lance. “But you can’t stop me. I’m going to click that link and infect your computer with malware so malicious it will bring your company to its knees.”

A: Aim For His Head.
B: Aim For His Heart.

Nice shot! Either option will ensure a killing blow. But how many killing blows do you have in you? Flashing lights and unearthly screeching now drown out your senses. Emerging from the shadows is Slorgus, the three-headed skeletal beast from your childhood bedroom closet. He spears through a MacBook with his bony digits, and hurls it at your head.

A: Throw It Back.
B: Save the Computer. There Could Be Valuable Files On The Hard Drive. Face Slorgus Yourself.

You’re not a five-year-old with recently divorced parents anymore, as you disclosed to the company’s onsite therapist. Slorgus holds no sway over you here. Face Slorgus. Tell him you’re not weak, he’s weak. And when he cowers from your words, you know what to do.

A: Calmly Call IT.
B: Spit On Slorgus. Then Light Him On Fire.

Slorgus screams as he burns. Nice! But before you can return to your desk to resume working, the Earth rips apart from under you. Your desk slides to the far side of the room. Now, between you and your generously provided office set-up is a river of boiling blood.

A: Ford the River.
B: Stand Your Ground.

Well done. Fording the river would have been foolish as you do not know its depth. And it turns out the river goes… straight to Hell! Satan himself bursts out of the blood. He smells of rotten eggs, festering feces, and Santal No. 26. He screams at you: “APERI AMAZON DONUM VEL COMPARARIM REDDERE!” Thankfully you speak Latin. It’s how you did so well on the SAT.

A: Calmly Call Upon God.
B: Banish Him Yourself.

A brave choice. “I will not click the link! I banish you!” you scream. “I will protect my company!” White light bursts from your hands. Satan combats it with red light. The two of you are locked in an eternal struggle of good versus evil. His power is great. You can feel your arms trembling.

A: Succumb.
B: Find Strength In The Power Of Our Corporate Community.

“We’re not just a company, we’re a family!” you scream and sob. The white light overtakes Satan and he explodes, splattering demon juice across the walls. The CEO of the company arrives to shake your hand to congratulate you for all your hard work. He drops a paper from a manilla envelope. It reads: “How to use malware to leak company secrets and line your own pockets without leaving a paper trail.” Oh no! He’s going to tank the company and use you as a scapegoat! He’s the bad actor! Also he’s a cyborg!

A: Report Him To The SEC.
B: Finish This Now.

Using the skills acquired from this training video, punch your boss in the throat. A cheap shot, but there’s no time for honor in battle when our company’s financial future is on the line. The blow knocks your cyborg boss off-balance. He whirls around with wide laser eyes, but all he sees is vengeance. Take your hydro flask with our logo and splash the robotic traitor with sparkling water. He immediately short circuits. Now, there’s only one thing left to do.

A: Calmly Call IT.
B: Using 50lbs Of C-4, Blow Up Your Office. No One Can Have Our Data Now, And No One Needs To Know All You Did To Protect It.

Now rise from the ashes. Delete the email. Course completed.