Wow, of all the people in this coffee shop you ask me to watch your stuff. Me? Just a kid from Massapequa, Long Island who is now getting the honor of watching your stuff while you use the bathroom at this local coffee establishment. I have never felt so honored, so valued, and so full of excitement, as I do right now. I swear to you by all that is holy and true I will defend your 2015 MacBook and Moleskine notebook with every fiber of my being.

Rest assured, your trip to the bathroom can be solely focused on bodily functions and not the status of your things. You have entrusted the most vigilant man in this coffee shop to overlook your beloved belongings. While I will admit, people have only asked me to watch their stuff a handful of times, possibly due to my unkempt facial hair, I believe in my heart I am qualified to do this. I have perfect vision and my hearing is impeccable. I don’t even wear sunglasses on bright days because my vision is so potent and I fear it will mess with the regular function of my eyes and cause me to miss a potential table robber. I will surely suss out any potential thieves or sleight of hand that might be used to rob you of your belongings.

And what beautiful belongings they are! A MacBook with a SurfTaco sticker, both sleek and refined but with a personal ornament to showcase your individuality. It makes all the sense in the world now why you would beseech a stranger to look over your things while you momentarily step away from your table to execute your standard bodily functions.

And is that a steel water bottle I see? It is good to know people still care about the environment. I see it comes with a steel straw? Clearly you are ahead of the curve. Some might call you foolish for leaving an item of such meaning in the hands of a stranger, but I assure you I will look after it as if It were my own child. Lest you think I have a child, I do not, as it would only interfere with my focus as I look after strangers' personal things in local coffee shops.

I have already taken the liberty of researching crime statistics in the area in preparation for this exact circumstance. My research has found petty theft in this neighborhood is low compared to other areas of the city, particularly on this block, with only three thefts reported in the last six months. But I won’t let the seemingly low numbers dull my sharp sense of vigilance. When a Moleskine notebook and BIC Electronic Pencil like yours are on the line, I don’t leave anything to chance.

That’s why I have begun a potential threat analysis of everybody in this local coffee shop to see who might potentially covet your wares. The gentleman with the man bun in the corner, for instance, I can see he has a PC with duct tape on the rim to keep it from falling apart. Clearly, he is a man in possibly destitute circumstances who might be looking to lift a new computer at his local coffee “joint.” That is why I have angled my legs ever so slightly to an advantageous angle should he attempt any sort of mischief with your precious possessions. I can’t risk losing a second of time. I can tell by the oily appearance of his man bun he is not to be trusted. Any threat he may pose will be immediately neutralized with deadly force, I assure you.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “In the event that I don’t return from the bathroom, what would become of my things?” I want you to know I am prepared to step in and look after your laptop, notebook, steel water bottle, pencil, and opened pack of gum in the event of your unfortunate demise. They will find a good home with me, treated as if they were purchased and used by me for their entire existence. I will honor your memory forever by keeping them constantly by my side until the moment I perish from this earth.

Oh, you don’t feel comfortable leaving your stuff with me after that unprovoked monologue? That makes sense. Well, whatever, not like I care.