By staff writer J.B. Hour

Having a girlfriend is cool, right? WRONG.

Sure, some people’s brains are configured to deal with the way girls’ minds work, but I’m not one of them. The reason I say this is because I’m not willing to compromise, at all. And let’s face it, that’s all a relationship really is: one big compromise. It’s usually only a compromise on the guy’s part, too. Girls don’t mind dumping all their friends when they meet a guy, and they usually have good hygiene when they’re single.

Every once in a while somebody will ask me why I’m single. Usually I just shrug my shoulders and stare at them with a blank look on my face. Every once in a while though, somebody will expect an actual answer, so I tell them the truth: I’m a jerk.

Really, I’m not nice to people on a consistent basis. In the end, they try to convince me that I just haven’t found the right person that I’m willing to compromise for. So, being the shining optimist that I am, I’ve decided to outline my issues here, just in case there is a woman out there who is willing to accept me, and my terms, for what they are.

1. Talking on the phone is BORING. Seriously, it is. No, ladies, this isn’t the joke, it is really fucking boring.

“Like, OH MY GOD, you'll never guess… I lost my cell phone!!”

I hate talking on the phone; girls love it. I don’t know why, but girls just like to go on and on about their day and the people they work with. It’s always the same bullshit conversation, too. Here’s how a conversation with me goes…

Me (in an irritating tone because I hate being interrupted when I’m trying to learn how to play more Journey on my keyboard): Hello.

Girl: Hey, how’s it going?

Me: Great. I’m always great by the way, you should know this by now, we’re fucking dating, remember? Anyway, how was your day?

Girl: It was so exhausting. I didn’t get like any sleep last night, then I had to wake up to go running this morning and this creepy guy was running way too close to me.

Me: You don’t have to go running, you weigh like 115 pounds.

Girl: YES I DO! I ate like three mini Snickers bars yesterday, and that’s like 2 points.

Me: Who cares, sometimes I eat three regular size Snickers bars in one hour, who gives a shit?

Girl: Blah, blah, bloop, black, bleep, blip, blah, blog, hog, hogwarts, hogwigger, wigger…

That’s pretty much what I hear from that point on. BORING. There is honestly only about three to five minutes worth of conversation in any given day. After that you both just try to think about things to talk about.

2. Girls dump all their friends when they have a boyfriend.

This I just can’t understand. Who else is going to listen to you cry when you had a bad day? NOT ME!

Girls, if you’re sitting there thinking this is bullshit, think about that one friend you USED to have until she met Eric. This puts a huge burden on your relationship. Now, the only person she has to hang out with is you, and you just want to hang out with your friends. At some point you get tired of staring at her “big fucking stupid won’t leave you alone ever for the life of you my god I can’t believe she’s still here why won’t she just go home to use her own shower I didn’t even think she was that good looking I just wanted head now look at me I hate my life and you have no idea” face.

Girls will always lay the biggest guilt trip on you, too. All you want to do is go out with your friends, but then what will she do? She doesn’t really want to go with you, and you sure as shit don’t want her tagging along, but she has no friends anymore so you have to stay home to keep her company. You’ll probably end up watching Dawson’s Creek or something.

3. Girls can’t let things go.

This is by far the worst one. It’s inevitable that I will say something insensitive because I don’t have a sensitive bone in my body. If you ask me a question and expect an honest answer, I’m going to give you one. If you ask me a question and don’t expect an honest answer, I’m still going to give you one.

The bottom line is this: you will get very upset with me at some point, at which time I will try to reason with you. However, instead of thinking logically, you will let emotion blind you as you start to cry. And because I was probably doing something important, like watching re-runs of The A-Team, before you decided we needed to talk about it, I’ll attempt to resolve the conflict immediately by using the age old tactic of apologizing. You will not accept my apology right away and you will tell me that you don’t want to talk to or see me right now.

The next day it’ll be a little awkward but we’ll make up and things will be really good because we will both be relieved that we don’t have the added stress of fighting anymore. At that point you will accept my apology.

Now, normally when somebody accepts an apology, it’s over. Not with girls though. It’s like the fine print on your cell phone contract that binds you to never being able to get out of it, no matter how much your service sucks. Of course nobody ever reads the fine print so you never see it coming.

At some point down the road I will once again say or do something that upsets you and you will throw my previous indiscretions back in my face. Then the issue will be compounded by the newly formed issue and the old ones that you are now mad about all over again. I will then need to apologize for past remarks and doings before you will consider an apology for my latest. BOGUS! An accepted apology is a closed, reinforced, 12-inch thick door that is padlocked and equipped with a fingerprint reader and retinal scanner. There’s no way you’re getting it open again. Not even the most l33t haxor could break in.

If you’re a girl and you haven’t stopped reading this, you’ve kept reading for one of two reasons: One, you think it’s hilarious because it’s true. Or two, you think I’m a sexist, woman hating prick—because deep down, you know it’s true.