One Ply: You're Tough, Realistic

You live on the edge, literally. You know the human form is inherently flawed, and that going number two returns us to our primal animalistic nature. Why sugarcoat the process? You want to feel every scrape, every burn, and know that history was made, not whitewash it with politically correct softness.

Hell, you'd use sandpaper if you could, but steel wool, that's too hardcore. You know that one ply doesn't aggravate the body, it builds strength, immunity, and gives your anus character. Because that's the real world. We've got a one ply world with one ply people. How are you going to deal with it? With a two ply approach? They'll eat you alive. Why don't you go home Sally, this ain't your night.

Two Ply: You're Cautious But Assertive

Sure, hey, I gotcha. You play both sides; you're prudent, but not too careful. You support a revolution, but from a distance; you don't charge the barricades like a fool. No need to explain yourself to me. We both know history is made by those who take chances, but who's going to clean up afterwards? Who's going to ensure the peaceful transition, to mediate between chaos and stability?

I hear you.

What if that first ply breaks down? Where are you then, with that pile of shit in your hand? You need my extra ply, don't you? And that's why two ply people are there. That's why the two ply approach is necessary. We all can't rush head first into the fire, we need a little insurance, a little softness. Maybe it isn't "sexy" to be two ply, but you know what, when you flush the toilet at the end of the day, you know you did the right thing.

Three Ply: You're Elitist, Philosophical

Money toilet paper roll
Your hand shouldn't have to pay the price for your leaking asshole.
Hey, there's no need to be defensive. We can't all be three ply people. Why should you suffer if you don't have to? I understand. You're not one of those charlatans claiming to be working class, claiming to know the common man. You worked your way up from the lower plies to be here, so why feel guilty?

Maybe you don't suffer the friction of a lower ply life, but that feeling puts too much focus on the processes of the human body. Who's going to do the deeper thinking? To take the metaphysical and geopolitical approach to shitting? Sure, the rest can go and wipe all they want, but do they know why they're there? No, they're too busy with their nose to the grindstone, smelling their own shit. They think they have to go, but have they thought of saying no?

Nations are built on people like you. Hell, you use the first two plies to wipe, and the third to write down the future of America. We should all be grateful.