ArrowTek’s cutting-edge technologies target prospective customers based on third party data we’ve collected. How did we collect it? Don’t worry about that. Just know that we optimize campaigns for increased conversation rates and violate cybersecurity regulations for ruthless profit.
Would you like to help clients achieve their business objectives?
Are you trying to avoid waiting tables or working with children at all costs?
Then read on to determine if you’ve got what it takes to excel at ArrowTek!
Our highest-performing employees understand that only hard work is rewarded with non-perk-based compensation.
Marketing Manager Dylan Kempthorne lived with five roommates and commuted two hours round trip for a year before he earned dental benefits besides the Listerine strips our CEO, Dave, distributes every Friday (Dave is so cool!). He successfully haggled with his Iranian landlord to count tote bags and water bottles toward his rent payments. Though he now works longer hours and weeps into his Master’s degree during lunch, he’s down to three roommates. We’re so proud that Dylan embodies our core values: perseverance, tenacity, and no complaining!
We believe that individual work stations erect divisions among colleagues.
The only thing erect at the office should be Dave’s penis when he sexually harasses female interns!
Just kidding. We made a joke because humor is a cornerstone of our brand.
Anyway, the semi-privacy of cubicles has been replaced with a super-sensory immersive experience: everyone sits on 50-foot Unity Benches that evoke a chain gang or assembly line. Our HR Director has found that such an arrangement maximizes productivity while minimizing shared humanity. Plus, everyone can tell when you use the bathroom! Our HR Director is Dave’s elderly Schnauzer, Tallulah. She’s arthritic and revels in flashing her anal glands at lower-performing employees.
To ensure no one’s work goes neglected, our formidable IT team closely monitors web activity.
Before this crackdown, a robust 70% of non-work related web browsing was spent researching coding boot camps and MFA programs. That’s the ArrowAttitude in practice: constant striving to challenge and improve oneself. The other 30% was attributable to Dave watching hours of Japanese tentacle porn.
Just kidding! That was also a joke, according to our legal department.
Despite bringing bagged lunches most days, employees gain a noticeable amount of weight thanks to the ice cream, potato chips, and cupcakes scattered throughout the office.
Tallulah has also found that treats improve morale by temporarily distracting from the existential dread and student loan-related anxiety that ArrowTekers report experiencing. And trust us: Tallulah knows treats. Lest we forget, she is literally a dog! A dog is our HR Director.
Like our cherished ArrowKrew, we’re always growing and changing.
Recently, an intern complained that Dave molested* her during routine tasks and that she couldn’t drink the beer due to disliking it. So we started providing cider and she couldn’t be happier, or more gone because she quit to attend nursing school! Good for you, Audrey. That’s the spirit we’ve come to punitively enforce.
If you’d be an outstanding addition to our Gowanus office, apply by DMing Dave (@hokusai_luvr69) a hologram of yourself.
Last one to the cider tap has to remove Tallulah’s dingleberries!
*Whether this term means “annoyed” or “touched inappropriately” is pending legal review.