Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to tonight's Mayan Human Sacrifice!
I'm Shecky Quetzalcoatl and it's my honor to be your Master of Ceremonies.
And what a program we have planned! A terrified young virgin will be forcibly restrained while her heart is ripped, still beating, out of her chest, while she endures an unimaginably gruesome demise.
But first, a word from our sponsor!
Tonight's festivities are brought to you by "Gonorrhe-Os", the cereal you're just itchin' to finish.
So let's get right to the big show.
Hey, how many Aztecs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
And then another Juan to rouse the anger of Ah Pekku, the God of Lightning.
Our world renowned astronomers tell us it that the maize growing cycle is winding down, and that 2015 BC is just around the corner. I can't believe a new year is already about to start. I bet I'll still be writing "2016 BC" on my checks until March.
In the news, it appears that the Occupy Machu Picchu movement has finally fallen apart. I was getting sick of all the attention these hippie bums were getting. I blame the whole mess on legalized "Medical Coca Leaf" shops. Some quack shaman etches you out a prescription and the next thing you know, dreadlocks are cascading out of your ceremonial headdress and all of your free time is spent kicking around a Hacky Skull waiting for the concert to start.
Our first Mafrican-American Sun God, B'Rock O Bama, is having a really rough second term. His plan for universal healthcare almost crippled him. But to be fair, who could have predicted that life expectancy would soar to 19 years old. The whole system is being bogged down by geriatric teenagers suffering from both acne pimples and anal polyps.
Still, he's doing a better job than his predecessor, Jorge W. Bush.
Winter is arriving in Iberia, so we're closing in on the start of another Spanish Cruise Ship season. You know what that means. The newlywed, the overfed and the nearly dead.
And their smallpox-infected blankets of horror.
Anybody here from out of town?
Yes ma'am, you're from Lake Titicaca. I once played there at the eponymous Lake Boob-Poop Resort. I'm pretty sure that for the next four thousand years there is absolutely no chance that the word Titicaca will cause sixth grade boys to crack up when they hear it for the first time in Social Studies class. Nothing sidesplittingly hilarious at all about Lake…Titty…Caca.
Let's see what's happening in the rest of the world… The Anglo-Saxons just finished Stonehenge. Nice country, but not the best dental care. You know the best pick up line for a Druid Priestess? "Hey baby, nice tooth."
New discovery on Easter Island. Giant oversized heads staring blankly ahead, mutely unable to voice even one intelligible thought. What's the big mystery? Sounds like the judges on Incan Idol.
In business news, the Athenian economy is going straight into the random hole in the ground where those pigs indiscriminately defecate.
Still, I gotta ask, what's a Grecian earn?
You know something, with their reasonable tax rate and generous retirement benefits, in the long run, they should do surprisingly well.
Northern Europe is entering the Bronze Age. I guess that explains the rise of Johann Boehner.
In the desert, the Pharaohs are throwing up s like crazy. Miserable place, Egypt. I'm not saying that Cairo is the worst city I've ever been to, but they once held a contest where first prize was week of misery in forced labor before being accidently crushed to death between two giant limestone blocks.
Second prize was weeks.
Staying in the Middle East, it looks like the Palestinians and Israelites have just about settled their homeland issues in Judea. You know something, I have a really good feeling about this one. No chance these two exactly similar tribes bicker through the centuries over a patch of sand that lacks any oil reserves or even an adequate fresh water supply. And, as our Royal Astrologers predict, will never boast even one Dunkin' Donuts franchise with a hot chai with soy available in the drive-thru.
Well folks, that's about it for me. I've had a great time.
Remember, even though circumcision hasn't been invented yet, don't forget to tip your waiters.
Good night and bless!!!