You. Yeah you. Get over here.

Have a seat.

Take a deep breath with me. Through your nose. “SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFF… AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH…”

You smell that? You know what that is? “Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus. That’s the smell of Jesus and I skipping flat rocks across a glassy pond in the forest as the sun rises on a new day. That’s the smell of Jesus and I hiking, collecting pine cones, doing nature photography, and climbing trees.

And you know what doesn’t smell like me frolicking through the forest with Jesus? That bullshit all-natural homemade cleaner you’re using to wash these church pews. I don’t give a fuck if you DIYed it from all-natural ingredients and it has no toxins and doesn’t leave a filmy residue on wood. You know what DIY means when it comes to substituting ANYTHING for Murphy’s Oil Soap? DEVIL IN YOUR-FUCKING-CLEANING-SUPPLIES. So get the fuck off my nuts with your DIY cleaner.

I’m not sure what the fuck it is you think you’re doing with that moistened chamois cloth and that bucket filled with the bullshit you’re touting as homemade all-natural cleaning solution but I have a suggestion—make that shit go away or we’re about to see whether or not a bucket can fit up your ass.

Who the fuck let your ass into our church pew cleaning committee? Who the fuck even let you into our church? You’re oblivious to the rules of cleaning and the tenets of religion. Rule 1: we use Murphy’s Oil Soap to clean this church’s church pews. That’s the only rule. Of pew cleaning and God-fearing and Jesus-loving. So get the fuck off my nuts with your all-natural soap.

I do not give a fuck about your two parts pure castile soap, your one part vegetable oil, your one part vinegar, your two teaspoons of coconut oil, and your drops of lavender oil or lemon oil or tea tree oil. Get the fuck off my nuts with your essential oils.

Shh. Listen. Jesus just stopped frolicking through the forest and wants to tell you something. You hear him? He said, “We only use Murphy’s Oil Soap to clean these church pews so get the fuck off my nuts with your bullshit cleanser.” You know what he didn’t say, “Hey how about you try some essential oils.”

You can tell whomever told you that Murphy’s Oil Soap often leads to build-up on wood surfaces to get the fuck off my nuts with their horseshit. They can go fuck themselves too. Do these pews look like they have oily residue on them? Are you suggesting God might let his pews get oily residued? Get the fuck off my nuts with that bullshit oily residue too.

Murphy’s Oil Soap Original Formula contains 98% naturally-derived ingredients which means only 2% is toxic. It safely cleans finished wood and other household surfaces (including God’s household) safely. For over 100 years, people have trusted the natural and gentle cleaning power of Murphy Oil Soap. How about you come talk to me in 100 years if your cleaner is even still here? Cool? Any questions for me or for God? No? Good.

Now take this bucket of warm water and this 32-ounce bottle of Murphy’s Oil Soap and this sanctified chamois cloth, go clean some fucking pews, and get the fuck off my nuts with your DIY cleaner.

And God Bless You.


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