It's that time of year again. Christmas is around the corner, decorations are up, and loved ones are gathering to celebrate. That's all well and good, but in my opinion the best thing about the season is one thing and one thing only: snow! And finally, after a long wait, it's snowing again, which means that I'm going to be eating a lot of snow.

Look out your window at the landscape as snow dots the sky, or the houses in your neighborhood blanketed in a fresh pristine snowfall. Isn't it beautiful? Doesn't it make you want to grab your snow-spoon and scoop as much as you can up into your mouth? That's the magic of snow for you!

Snow is a chilly treat like no other. Mother Nature made the perfect food: it's fluffy, plain, has no taste, and is so so so cold. Yum! No wonder it's so addicting! Why else do people yell at you for eating it off their front lawns? They know it's good and so do you! That's why we just gotta eat it!

Eating snow in winter is your reward for having to eat non-snow food all year. All those breakfasts, lunches, and dinners of eating handful after handful of crushed ice and frost picked off the walls of your freezer, are no substitute for eating the real thing. And it's finally here!

The wonder of a fresh snowfall just brings out the best in people, doesn't it? Children build snowmen for me to wrestle to the ground and eat. Neighbors leave their driveways unshoveled so I can sit in front of their garages and chow down, greeting me with a friendly, “I almost ran over you! Get out of my driveway you psycho!” And of course, there are the kind souls who shake me awake after I've passed out on a snowbank, belly full of snow and hands scaly from frostbite. To those dear ones, I say: “I'm not dead—just happy! Happy to again be eating snow!”

I know what you're thinking: since the human body is 90% water, and therefore also snow, is eating snow a form of cannibalism? Luckily, yes it is: that's how you know you can survive on nothing but snow if you have to!

I've eaten all kinds of snow: soft snow, crunchy snow, freshly buried grave snow, the red snow you find at car accidents and crime scenes, freshly exhumed grave snow—I'll go anywhere to eat snow! But my favorite snow? The snow on my roof, followed by the snow on my deck where I fell from my roof and broke both my legs. Sometimes it's the snow closest to home you appreciate the most!

It should go without saying: you need to quit your job if you're going to eat snow. And abandon everything else in your life too. It's tough, I know. But the trade-off is that you get to wander the woods and scour parking lots and train yards for places to put your face to the ground and chomp up endless amounts of snow. So problem solved!

What about the naysayers? Let the naysayers say all the nay they're gonna say. They will try to stop you from eating snow, just like they tried to stop me from drinking puddles all summer and eating fire in the fire months. But they'll never catch me: I eat all my footprints! Because they're in the snow! I can't be stopped!

One time I made it to the mountains so I could finally eat an avalanche. When the avalanche came, I opened my mouth wide, but the avalanche did not fit in my mouth. Instead, I was buried, snow crushing every inch of my body and suffocating me. It was the greatest moment of my life.

I took a big bite, then another and another, and ate my way up to the surface. At the sight of a rescue helicopter hovering above me, I ate my way back down into the snow. Hours later I had to be dragged out of the snow and off the mountain in a trawling net used for catching tuna.

So what I'm saying is: I've lived the dream, and you can too!

It's a winter wonderland out there folks, with people sledding, skiing, throwing snowballs, and getting manically yelled at by me to “Get off my food!” as I wave a stick at them. It's the most wonderful time of the year! Because you get to eat snow! And you've got all it to yourself because people stay away from you in the winter– they've given up trying! It's all yours! To eat! But really, mostly mine! Keep away from me and my snow! Yuuuuummmmm!


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