Happy Merry, everyone, and welcome to our 2019 Holiday Party! Woohoo! We’ve got an amazing evening ahead of us. This year’s theme is Transparency, and we’ve got a bunch of food, drinks, and activities lined up that will really shed an honest light on a lot of stuff you actually probably suspected already.

First off, over in the corner we’ve got an ice luge, because we know you how you guys love your shots, am I right, party people!? Also, it's to remind you that we’re still under a hiring freeze, and thus there will be no promotions, yet again.

Next, as you all know, a number of female employees quit due to repeated HR complaints that all went completely ignored. First, let's have a big round of applause for HR for ignoring those pesky women! And for turning such an egregious blind eye to these disgusting accusations, we’ve got an equally disgusting themed cocktail for the evening. It’s called The Blind Eye, and it’s just a mixture of discount vodka and Malort. Drink enough maybe you'll go blind, too!

In regards to not winning a single piece of business this year, the caterers will be serving just one single piece of cake, which all of you get to divvy up amongst yourselves as a fun (and tasty!) team-building activity.

On a less exciting note, we won’t be giving out bonuses this year. Well, not to you people anyway. The leadership team will still be collecting ours. Truth be told, that round of layoffs really paid off for us C-suite folks. And to celebrate this, we’ve got a game next to the dance floor called “Pin the Bonus On The Executive” where you get to try to guess how much each of us got paid for all of your hard work! No peeking, Creative Department, haha!

Really, though, we can’t thank you enough for picking up the slack after we fired a bunch of your friends.

That said, this year hasn’t been all milk and honey and the rich getting richer. We know employee morale has been down considerably. And thanks to all who participated in our employee satisfaction survey. There were a lot of great suggestions on how we can improve moving forward into 2020 and beyond. That said, we won’t be addressing any of them. Instead, we threw this unnecessarily expensive party with tons of free booze in hopes all of you forget just how unhappy you are working here.

Have fun tonight, everyone! Let’s all get super-psyched for a kick-ass 2020, where all of the exact same terrible bullshit will happen, and we'll do this whole charade again!