Returning after the shocking events of last year’s finale, we’re back for another season of pork rind pilfering, shoreline strutting, shit-bombing sunbathers, and squabbling over which bird is always the greediest at Sandy’s annual Cape May clambake. Laugh and caw with your favorite Real Seagulls as they whisk newcomer Jenny to Miami for a caliente seawater bender—and keep the Kleenex handy as we pay tribute to fallen cast member Marina, who was plucked from the air by a bald eagle last season as her castmates watched in horror.
Meet the Season 9 Real Seagulls of New Jersey!
Sandy is a twelve-year-old herring gull known for squawking her mind, and for a brief Season 4 stint in animal control after she swooped, pecked, and pooped on the head of then-governor Chris Christie. A mother of 18—her eldest, Silvio, owns a string of molt clubs and peep shows in Atlantic City—she and her mate share several nests in undisclosed locations. Once famous for a plastic “Hot Hen” band that she sported on her left ankle, she has replaced it with a silver cuff, engraved “Never Forget” in honor of Marina.
Memorable Episode: Season 8, Episode 16: “Farewell to a Fine Feathered Friend”
Tagline: “I know a bird who knows a bird.”
Heather is a feisty fifteen-year-old laughing gull who “divebombs the haters.” She’s known for her bright red beak, her fiery temper and a multi-season feud with Marina over a pizza crust plucked from the hands of a crying human child. Heather has refused to appear on camera with Sandy during Season 9, blaming her for tabloid accusations that Heather has “connections” to birds of prey. A year-round Asbury Park nester, Heather’s favorite restaurant is a dumpster behind The Stone Pony.
Memorable Episode: Season 6, Episode 9: “You Give Gulls a Bad Name”
Tagline: “I’d rather spend my life kicking cloaca than kissing it!”
The Contessa is a ring-billed gull who started using the title after a fling with a Sardinian cormorant. This chic chanteuse ruffled some feathers when she tweeted her belief that nesting near 5G cell towers causes avian flu. A seabird with a songbird’s voice, The Contessa’s debut single, “Money Can’t Buy You Krill,” was a top 100 dance hit in Slovenia.
Memorable Episode: Season 4, Episode 14: “Fowl Play”
Tagline: “I don’t just fly with A Flock of Seagulls—I cover their songs!”
Misty, a sassy sixteen-year-old model and entrepreneur, was the first herring gull to be crowned Miss New Jersey Shorebird back in 2009. Known for her lustrous plumage and slender bill, Misty soars above castmates’ accusations of feather bleaching and a beak job. Publication of her new memoir, Winging It, has been halted by Simon and Schuster amid rumors that her multi-level marketing company, a line of preening oils called Misty’s Molting Miracle, is being investigated by the New Jersey Attorney General’s Office as a pyramid scheme.
Memorable Episode: Season 7, Episode 12: “#Gullboss”
Tagline: “I’m an enigma wrapped in a mystery—and feathers.”
Jenny, a ring-billed gull who prefers not to reveal her age, is our newest cast member. Heiress to a cliff nest construction fortune, this jet-setting Jersey Bird has been around the beach a few times and coos it like it is. Jenny’s lifetime mate died in Ocean City last year in a tragic collision with a banner plane that, ironically, was hired by The Contessa to advertise her new cabaret show, “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
Episode to watch for: Season 9, Episode 4: “Jenny from the Flock”
Tagline: “I’d rather be a shorebird than a whorebird.”
A Note about Season 8
Viewers were shocked last year when we aired footage leading up to Marina’s untimely passing, including audio of Sandy squawking, “Drop her, you bald-headed piece of shit! My mate runs North Jersey!” Although we obscured the tragic event, fading to black and playing a snippet of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” we’ve taken viewer complaints to heart and will not air this episode again.
Instead, Season 9 will begin with a special tribute to Marina hosted by Andy Cohen and featuring Jon Bon Jovi, Steve Van Zandt, Lorraine Bracco, the president of the New Jersey Audubon Society, and all the other cast members except Heather, who, because of death threats, was in protective custody at the time of filming.
New episodes with our driftwood-flipping divas air Sunday nights, with Seasons 1 through 8 streaming on Peacock.