Homage to you, Osiris, Lord of this mighty weightlifting facility. Verily, we say unto you, teach us the ideal stance width! We’ve already contacted Amentet, your training assistant, and confirmed that your Monday night class is open.

— Hymn to Osiris, Possessor of Divine Technique, Protector of All Who Are Properly Certified

In the Land of the Descended Sun, where the Morning Boat meeteth the Evening Boat, where the Fair Winds findeth their respite from the Waters of Turmoil, you shall meet Ra, the Supreme God of the Sun and Creator of All Tan Lines. There, if thy spirit is pure and thy hamstrings are stretched, He will teach thee how to avoid straining thy intervertebral joints.

— Chapter XVII, The Great Adding of Muscle to the Posterior Chain, from the Papyrus of Nu

Anubis, the God of Death, who art self-created and hath dominion over the underworld and parts of New Hampshire, sittith upon his throne in the great temple of Ammut, located on the corner of 6th and State. The soul of Mehet was brought forth, for it was the time of judgement. Anubis was not impressed. Mehet’s hips were too high for adequate leverage. By the time he got the bar into the lockout position, his center of gravity had shifted, and there was much unnecessary strain on Mehet’s quads. Anubis then decreed, “You should’ve used the mixed-grip.”

— Vignette from Chapter XXIX, painted on stone tablets, British Museum (Nos. 6576, 30833)

Horus, whose heart was pure and blameless, approached Thoth, whose cholesterol levels could’ve been better.

Horus said: “Did you hear about Mehet?”

“No, what?”

Horus spoke sadly. “Anubis hath just smote him.”

“Mehet’s been smote? That’s too bad. He was saving up for a new camel, too.”

“Jerome the ferryman said he saw the wife taking Mehet Jr. to Heliopolis to live with her parents.”

“That’s no place to raise a kid.”

“What can she do? You know insurance doesn’t cover smitings.”

— Miscellaneous Speeches of Horus, from coffin fragment (c. 747-656 BCE)

Your strength is in your form.
If your heart is centered
The body will be like slender reed
On the riverbank.
If your body is in control
Your trapezius muscles
Will get jacked.

— The Instruction of Ptahhotep, from the coffin of Queen Mentuhotep. 13th Dynasty. Second Intermediate Period. 1700 BCE.

Nuttu prayed to Isis, the Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Hip Abduction. Nuttu wished to know if it was important to engage his lats while lifting. The Spirit of Isis responded, “Yeah. That’ll definitely prevent muscle imbalances.” But Nuttu was not convinced. Was it “imbalanced” or “unbalanced.” Nuttu wrote it out so he could visualize it. Isis asked what he was doing. “Nothing,” Nuttu said, because he saw that she was right.

— The Tomb of Nuttu, Deir el-Medina, Egypt. 19th Dynasty. Museo Egizio, Turin, Italy.

Life will happen again. Your spirit will live on. It will emerge continuously and return continuously. This is the eternal truth. The more you can lift, the more you can bear. Let’s do this thing! No pain, no gain! Woot, woot!

— Inscription on Sarcophagus of Hapshubu, Deputy Minister of Wheat Rations. 6th Dynasty. Old Kingdom.