Have you ever wondered if that quiet guy in your neighborhood is possessed by the devil? Of course you have.
And now you can find out!
From Witchcraft Industries, the makers of Rent-A-Pope®, comes the newest, ultimate testing device: the Demonic Possession Kit.
Inside every kit:
- 8 vials of holy water
- 1 Satanic Church-certified Ouija board
- Protective eye goggles
- Priest’s collar
- Pea soup analyzer
- Head rotation measuring tape
- Levitation Gauge™
- A 100% Money-Back Guarantee should you become possessed yourself
Gone are the days of sitting around nervously waiting for that quiet nutcase to shoot up a theater or a congresswoman anymore. Now you can prevent such incidents with only a 5-minute inspection.
Here’s how the kit works:
- Shake a couple of drops of holy water on the test subject. This paralyzes him or her long enough for the exam.
- If nothing happens, then the test is negative and you can go about apologizing.
- If the subject screams out in pain “It burns! It burns!” then you have a positive reading and can proceed with the exorcism.
- If positive, take two giant steps back, put protective eye goggles on, and liberally shake 6 to 8 drops of holy water on the test subject.
- While subject is withering in agony, unfold Ouija board and place on ground, floor, school gymnasium, wood, etc.
- Use Ouija board to communicate with the possessed. WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITH POSSESSED PERSON DIRECTLY, AS THIS MAY RESULT IN ACCIDENTAL POSSESSION OF SELF.
- If a simple conversation is enough to drive out the devil, then no further work is necessary. However, if the demonic spirit resists, than proceed with a vigorous shaking of the remaining holy water, and put the priest’s collar on your neck.
- Have pea soup analyzer ready in case of backlash. (Protective clothing tarp not included.)
- If color of pea soup is “ugly puke,” a successful exorcism is likely.
- If color of pea soup is “demonic olive,” a backup exorcism may be necessary.
- If color of pea soup is “river from hell turquoise,” a professional will most certainly be required. For this case, we offer a Professional Exorcism Hotline ($1.99 first minute $2.99 each additional minute).
- Begin head rotation, applying tape to the head as it spins.
- Do not interfere with movement of head.
- Obtain a degree of movement measurement between 180°- 360° (if range is less than 90° you do not have a genuine possession, most likely it’s just some asshole making fun of you).
- For levitation measurement, maintain an arm’s length while holding up the patented Levitation Gauge™ to subject. The Levitation Gauge™ will detect and record the exact distance from the ground or bed to the height the subject is levitating.
- If one foot above surface, shake 10 to 12 drops of holy water.
- If 2-3 feet above surface, apply 15 to 18 drops and chant the Lord ’s Prayer (Bible not included).
- If 3-4 feet above surface, empty entire bottle of holy water and think happy thoughts. (Not recommended for levitations over 4 feet–please consult your local diocese.)
- If possession proceeds beyond head rotation and levitation, run like hell to the nearest Catholic Church.
So what are you waiting for? Now YOU can save your neighborhood from turning into the next Columbine! Be the hero of your block with your own Witchcraft Industries Demonic Possession Kit!
Disclaimer: Not responsible for death of user. See Owner’s Liability Agreement. By opening kit container, owner waives all rights to class action suits and mental health counseling coverage. Not for professional use. Always consult a Registered Exorcist.