Despite the President’s current conditions, the Center for Disease Control has been asked to release our updated guidelines for the make-out game, Seven Minutes in Heaven. President Trump believes the country’s hormones are more important than their safety, and while we did warn everyone for months to avoid large gatherings, the President wanted us to inform you that the coronavirus is basically nothing, and I guess we have to agree.

We spent months with President Trump and Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos preparing safety precautions for the most important part of junior high. They both believed the safety measurements implemented are unnecessary, but while the President was busy with everything that happened during the first two days of October, we went behind his back and beefed up security.

The following are the CDC’s rules and guidelines for Seven Minutes in Heaven.


The homeowner or host will be required to reach out to the CDC for approval before a make-out party can commence. A medical professional and an approved interior designer will arrive at your home for an inspection. They will sweep the residence for any and all irregularities and, if you meet our criteria, you will be given approval to host the party fourteen days after the medical professional and interior designer complete the inspection. During those two weeks, the hosts will be quarantined in separate rooms of the house.

The Arrival

When you arrive at the party, you will be scrubbed down and sterilized before entering the house. It will be painful, but it is the only way to ensure a clean pre-teen.

Once you have air-dried outside, you may enter the house, and you will be escorted directly to the basement. All windows in the house will be open to keep air circulation flowing. It does not matter what the temperature is, the windows will be open. Please pack a sweater or a cardigan.

Picking Your Partner

Depending on your region, there are many different ways to pick your kissing partner, but the most common one is spinning a bottle. Due to health concerns, the CDC highly encourages eliminating the bottle portion of the game. Instead, we will send over a healthcare professional to sit in your basement with your teenagers and pick two at random to kiss. Our healthcare professionals have been trained at choosing who kisses who after taking an eight-week workshop on looks and popularity.

The Seven Minutes

Because COVID spreads to individuals orally, we decided the best course of action will be for the two kissers to spend their seven minutes in separate heavens. Kisser number one will be in a basement closet, while kisser number two is moved to the closet in the master bedroom upstairs. Both closets will have nasal testing stations and temperature checks.

When inside the closet, you will find a government-approved smartphone and, with gloves on, you will take a photo of your kissing face and send it to your partner.

After Your Seven Minutes

When your seven minutes are complete, your parents will be waiting on the street to take you home immediately for a mandatory two-week quarantine. If you are the child hosting the party, and you are chosen for the seven minutes before the party ends, you will be moved into a makeshift hospital in your garage that looks and is as terrifying as the hospital defibrillator scene in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

For those concerned, this all is now considered kissing. The CDC has teamed up with Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary to officially change the definition of the word “kiss” to fit with the criteria listed above. You may also opt out of this entire situation because, as we have said since March, you should not be attending large gatherings, especially ones involving kissing. Follow these guidelines and you will have a fun and safe make-out session.

Happy smooching!