I know you’re worried about the possibility of me blowing away with the 20 mph winds expected this evening, but I am here to reassure you that there is no chance in hell of this happening. Are you kidding me? I weigh 424 pounds. In addition, I am built into a sturdy 4×4 hardwood table. Since when do you see the wind blowing around 424-pounds?

Mild wind currents don’t uproot versatile cooking devices from their porches or fling them into the sky. The winds are not meant to catapult Big Green Egg XXL limited edition grills into oblivion. I will not be flung into a bed of heirloom tomatoes or a neighbor’s jacuzzi. The breeze expected tonight will sway the branches of the smallest trees at most.

You really couldn’t have chosen a heavier grill. My 29-inch diameter is wide enough to roast a whole suckling pig or a slab of beef brisket, and you have managed to flawlessly roast both of those things on me at once. I have cooked for your mother, your mother-in-law, your nieces and nephews, your godchildren, your wife who wants a break from cooking, your carnivorous son, and your best buddies for eleven Thanksgivings. I do not plan on blowing away before the next Thanksgiving. I am not merely a summer fling or a one-night affair. I am not a “grill for show” that you can flaunt to all of your friends at the Super Bowl party and then tuck away for the rest of the year. I require the brute strength of three men just to lift my legs off the ground.

You remember when you tried to lift me. Since when has the wind flung full-grown fathers and their grills?

Even if I were to blow away, where would I go? Who would use me like you? I cannot simply assume a spot on someone’s ill-furnished back porch. I do not want to make dried-up chicken or cardboard hamburgers. You can’t fix dried-up chicken with mango salsa or buffalo ranch or any other kind of last-minute sauce. That block of meat needs some time to soak before it can really do anything for you. I don’t want to grill fruit. I don’t want to make stuffed wieners as everybody gathers around me to ask about the wieners.

You don’t need to worry about tying me down tonight. I am already built into a 4×4 hardwood table, and I have nowhere to go.

Thanks for thinking of me though,

Your Big Green Egg XXL Limited Edition Grill