I had never had a one-night stand…until last night. I awoke this morning a new man, proudly admiring the brown stain splattered across the ceiling. I had finally sealed the deal, but not just that, I boned like a rock star. The leftovers told the tale of a heroic evening, for there were remnants of a night filled with X-rated debauchery everywhere. It was clear that I had become Tyler Durden's even ballsier alter ego for one special night. This was some freaky shit and my penis had never been more satisfied.

All my years of watching porn and Animal Planet finally paid off as I combined these ideas into one magical symphony of sex.  Most girls that will give it up the first time you meet are whores.  Maybe she was too, but god I hope she wasn't because for at least one night, she was all mine. Though she certainly was a fatty and had plenty to go around, I wanted her all to myself.

You see, I nailed a voluptuous five-pound Hershey bar, a foxy, chocolate diva, approximately 52.5 times the size of a regular Hershey bar. I bet you want details about how I pulled this shit off ‘cause like me, you are a bunch of sick fucks. I don't want to brag or anything, but let me give you a few of the highlights.  First, I started munching on "HER" to set the mood.  She giggled at the way my fiendish gnawing tickled the nape of her neck and as I tasted the goods, I could tell she was aching for it. Then I went into a Western spanking ritual, which made the room look like a crime scene with my gooey brown fingerprints smattered everywhere.

Huge Hershey bar in comparison to a banana
Nothing like a little potassium to stave off the sex cramps.
Finally, I was convinced it was go time so I started jack-hammering "SHE" and in no time had poked my way through.  I have to believe that was because this girl was not nougat filled; she was all creamy milk chocolate and that's what I found so fucking hot about her.  I didn't last long of course, but neither did she…thank god.  The heat of the moment had melted the rest of her into my loins, leaving a puddle of satisfaction all over my sheets.

I'm not ashamed. Listen, big fat candy bars need lovin' too. The mess covering my face makes a dirty sanchez look sparkly clean, yet I wear it proudly like a battle scar.  I can finally die proud of a sexual conquest.  Take my advice. The next time you are in Lane Bryant and see a huge ass, novelty candy bar shopping for a moo moo, go ahead and stick your dick in her. That Hershey highway leads to heaven. 

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