At one time, murder was something that Jason was clearly passionate about, but it seems that he just doesn’t care like he used to. Though my libido may not be as high as Jason’s usual victims’ (the only time I get “horny” is when thinking about a big hug from my wife after a long day), I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t recently skinny dip in Camp Crystal Lake with my beloved on the anniversary of Jason’s death. It was a glorious experience that helped my wife and I rediscover our physical passion for one another.

Obviously, we expected Jason to give us a good old-fashioned machete slice, as is his go-to punishment for lasciviousness, but unfortunately, he cannot be bothered to do his job. Here are the emails that Jason sent me in lieu of deadly mutilation that are sorta scary, but not really.

May 13th, 10:47 PM

Only going to say this once—cut the shit. You think I didn’t see your ass (which was nude, I might add) swimming in Camp Crystal Lake? You know I drowned in there, right? That’s just disrespectful. I’m afraid I have no choice but to demand you apologize.

Serial Killer

SUBJECT: (no subject)
May 14th, 9:22 AM
Sent from my iPhone

SUBJECT: Previous Email
May 14th, 10:10 AM

Please disregard my previous email—was sent in error.
Also, still waiting on that apology. Please expedite this process.

Serial Killer

SUBJECT: Threatening Email
May 17th, 3:48 PM

Hey Freddy,

I sent him an email last week and he still hasn’t responded. Worried I came off a little too lenient. I’m thinking about sending him another where I’m like, “I can’t wait to slice you like a pizza,” or something (I think he’s Italian so that could be really scary). Let me know your thoughts.

Your friend,
Serial Killer

SUBJECT: Previous Email
May 17th, 3:52 PM

If you haven’t read my previous email yet, kindly delete it at once. It was meant for someone else.

Jason Vorhees
Serial Killer

SUBJECT: Following Up
May 19th, 9:04 AM

My patience has worn thin waiting for your apology. I have no choice other than to completely fuck your shit up with my big machete (I just got a new one and it’s even bigger than the one I usually use). You’ll be shouting, “Mama mia!” because I’m gonna slice you like a pizza.

See you tonight,
Mr. Vorhees
Serial Killer

SUBJECT: RE: Following Up
May 19th, 7:04 PM

Mask melted in the dishwasher. First thing tomorrow I’m going to Modell’s and picking up a new one. Then I’ll come murder you.

Until then,
Your Worst Nightmare (Jason)
Serial Killer

SUBJECT: I’m Outside
May 20th, 11:23 PM

I’m outside. Sending you this email as a courtesy because I planned to break down your door, but it’s gorgeous (Spanish Red Cedar?). I don’t want to destroy something with such apparent craftsmanship, so come unlock it or else I’ll have to.

Mr. J. Vorhees
Serial Killer

P.S. Modell’s didn’t have any hockey masks (???) so I’m wearing a lacrosse helmet with a face shield. Just a heads up.

May 21st, 12:43 AM

I decided I don’t want to come in tonight. I realized that your door actually looks like shit and I’m going home because I don’t want to look at it anymore. Just to clarify, I’m not leaving because I tried to break it down and couldn’t.

Gonna getchu,
Monsieur Vorhees
Serial Killer

SUBJECT: Out of Town
May 22nd, 9:31 AM

I’m going to be out of town for the foreseeable future (have to do a stint in Hell again), so we’ll have to postpone your manslaughter until I get back.

Enjoy your summer,
Joseph Vorhees (Joseph is my Christian name, I have to go by it when I’m in Hell)
Serial Killer

SUBJECT: Emergency Session
May 22nd, 9:40 AM

Hi doctor,

Feeling really off lately and getting into those cycles of negative self-talk we discussed. I made up some bogus excuse about going to Hell to get out of meeting with a client. Truth is, I don’t know if I’ve got “it” anymore. Maybe I never did. Possible to squeeze me in for a session today?

Law Abiding Citizen

SUBJECT: Previous Email
May 22nd, 10:53 AM

You know what, I’m glad you saw that. Caring about your mental health is one of the most badass things you can do. When my mind is focused and unaffected by anxiety and depression, I do my best killing. So good luck, because once I get out of this funk I’m in, you’re fucking dead.

Serial Killer