It's that time of year again! Christmas is weeks away, Valentine's is right around the corner, and you're still with Marcus! How is this possible you may ask? Well despite Marcus only ever wearing tank tops and shorts everywhere all year round, exclusively listening to a genre of music he likes to call “country music beatbox style,” and being in love with his own mother, he's the perfect gift giver.

Every year without fail he knows exactly what you want. Some years you don't even have to tell him. It's almost like he is Google and you search for your every want and need directly with him. Marcus may make you miserable by playing ultimate Frisbee inside and then using his Frisbee as a plate, but are you willing to give up the incredible gifts you know you're going to get from him just for the sake of your overall happiness and well being?

You've been dating Marcus for 7 years now. That's a really long time to have not received an engagement ring, but since he's so good at knowing exactly what you want he probably knows that a ring hasn't been on your list since you broke up with John to be with him. Ahhh, John. Sweet, sweet John. He was everything you ever dreamed of in a partner, but back then all you wanted to do was explore and meet new people. I mean, it was college. College is supposed to be a time of finding yourself and learning from the mistakes you're bound to make. Marcus was the first person you bumped into outside of the Burger Barn after studying for finals and it felt like it was meant to be.

Unfortunately, you realized Marcus was a complete doofus on your first date after talking to him for about 10 minutes and John was already seeing his future wife. Marcus made up for it by getting you a first edition copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for your birthday, and you figured “maybe this can work.”

Seven years later and here you are. Marcus works for his mom. She doesn't have a business or anything, he just lives with her and does things around the house for her. Sometimes she pays him in money and other times she pays him in hugs, which he prefers and actually requests. You can tell she's slightly uncomfortable with it, but she hasn't stopped doing it so who really knows with her. This year for Christmas you're hoping for that new juicer so you can get back on that juice cleanse you wanted to start back in 2014 but lacked a juicer. For Valentine's Day, you've been eying up a cream-colored faux fur throw blanket that you're pretty sure Marcus already has hidden in the closet. If you decided to finally leave him what would happen to those amazing gifts? Would he return them? Re-gift them? To his mother!? Probably. You just can't let that happen. That throw would look perfect on that velvet jade chair you've been eying up for next Christmas, not to mention how stunning you would look with both in that gorgeous floor-length black gown you spotted window shopping recently and WAIT WAIT you're getting ahead of yourself.

Marcus is fun right? I mean, he did invent country music beatbox style and his Soundcloud does have one follower. Sure it's his mom, but Janice isn't all that bad. I mean yeah, one time she hugged you and you heard Marcus growling and yelling “GET OFF MY MOMMY!”, but that doesn't make him a bad guy or her a bad person for shoving you away to go console her crying toddler…I mean 29-year-old son. And ultimate Frisbee isn't so bad. Sure last time Marcus played he hit your father's urn and it smashed with his ashes all over your white carpeting, but you really really want that juicer and blanket, right?

Maybe material things just mean more to you than dealing with a man child every day. Maybe for Christmas, you can get Marcus a sweater and corduroys for the 4th year in a row and he might get the hint. And maybe you'll break up with him next Christmas after you get that chair. For now, who knows?

Also, add the matching footstool to the chair, it'll really bring the room together.


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