The Barbara Streisand Frappuccino

This secret menu item is complicated, multi-layered, bold, and bitter: it’s perfect for the starving artist (because it’s got 12 grams of protein). If you want to look like someone who drinks straight espresso and has a mysterious secret life—but can’t stand the taste of coffee and sees a therapist in Cobble Hill twice a week on your parent’s dime—then this drink is for you.

Adorned in a tiny lavender doll’s beret for added glamor and finished with a sprinkle of edible glitter, this delightful concoction is sure to boast sweet little nothings like “I graduated summa cum laude from The New School” or “my Dad knows a bunch of Broadway understudies from Cats.” Treat yourself to the Barbara Streisand Frappuccino the next time you don’t get a callback for the new Ann Bogart play and need to take out your frustration on an innocent Starbucks barista.

The “Green is the Color of Money” Iced Tea

New from our line of curated Teavana drinks is a personally crafted beverage perfect for the Office Asshole in your life. Coated in gold-foil and painstakingly brewed a single tea leaf at a time, this drink practically shouts, “coffee gives me acid reflux but I can still buy you twice over.” Sigh heavily, check your watch repeatedly, and take a loud call on your iPhone XXL—which hasn’t even been made yet outside of Singapore— while you wait the 30-90 minutes for your tea to be prepared. After all, the process is half the fun and all the power trip.

Now available in piping hot—perfect for spilling on your unsuspecting intern’s desk.

The Babysitter

Your mom gave you $10 and free-reign in this Starbucks for the next two hours while she browses self-help books in the Barnes and Noble next door. That can only mean one thing: it’s time to order The Babysitter. This drink—a term I’ll be using loosely—is made up almost entirely of sugar, and the base is cotton candy and chocolate sauce. You’re not so much interested in the taste as you are in bouncing off the walls sans interruption for the rest of the afternoon.

At this point you’re caffeinated, 80% sure your mom and dad are getting a divorce, and craving attention from just about anyone who with give it to you. With notes of Stevia, honey, and just plain white table sugar, this drink is sure you make the barista have to stop whatever they’re doing to come discipline you. It’s time to test the boundaries and order today!

The Hungry Vegan Latte

Odds are, you’re in a bad mood from only eating lettuce leaves and raw celery for the past 4 months—kind of like a rabbit or guinea pig but with significantly smaller teeth and less self-confidence. Made with almond milk, cilantro stems, and a freshly-made vegan aioli sauce, this drink makes almost no sense: just like your ethical stance on veganism and $100 jeans made by a child in Taiwan. With notes of cinnamon and contradiction, this drink is a walking argument and a powerful political statement. What’s that statement? Save the bees, shop local, and sneak wheels of brie when your roommate leaves the house.

Be sure to bring your own reusable cup and straw when you order this secret menu item, unless of course you can’t be bothered or forgot.

You

Let’s be honest, anyone willing to hold up a Starbucks line during morning rush hour for 20 minutes to order an over-the-top, personalized secret menu drink is an asshole in the eyes of the barista. If you need to get out your phone to read the ingredients list, you’ve already committed the Starbucks cardinal sin.

Made with Columbian roasted coffee beans, oat milk, and, when you’re not looking, garnished with the spit of an over-tired minimum-wage barista, this drink is positively sure to give you the shits, and, if you’re especially unlucky, the barista’s residual winter cold. Karma is a bitch.

Yes, even for you.

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