8:10 AM: Wake up from one of the best dreams I’ve ever had. Having a tweet go viral that makes clear that I’m a feminist. And available. Really available.
8:15 AM: The multiple comments from the girls in my dream asking to hear my music left me with a raging morning wood. I take care of it quicker than expected while watching girls 15-20 years younger than me dancing on TikTok.
8:17 AM: After finishing I feel the noble urge to comment on the girl's video that she really shouldn’t be dancing like that at her age. After taking a second to consider I decide not to.
8:18 AM: Comment “how are you only 17 ugnfffffh” on the video.
8:25 AM: Shower with the new natural organic soap I bought. It’s better for the environment. I make sure to tell this to anyone that ever brings up soap, showering, the bathroom, 9/11, their recent divorce, anything that relates.
8:45 AM: Admire myself in the mirror. My eyes really are special just like my mom told me. Bluer than the sea! How is it that no woman is telling me they want to drown in them?
9:00 AM: Log on to Instagram to check my DMs. Kelsey still hasn’t responded but she’s probably busy reading the screenplay I sent her.
9:05 AM: Kelsey reading my screenplay leads to another raging hard-on. I jerk myself into imagining her crying at my beautiful words. It’s better than fight club fantasy Kelsey whispers. I cum, hard.
9:06 AM: I wipe off the cum and wonder why it looks like mountain dew.
9:25 AM: DM Jenna asking if she’s back in town because of the quarantine. I gently remind her of the time I drove her home senior year when she was drunk at Greg’s party. I tell her how hot she looked and how I didn’t try anything because I’m not a scumbag. End the message by telling her I’m sorry her dad died. I would pray for him but I don’t subscribe to oppressive organized religion. I give her my Snapchat and a tongue-out emoji.
10:00 AM: Quote tweet “This wouldn’t be happening if Hillary was in office!!” of the first trending news story.
10:30 AM: DM my coworker Jessica to tell her not to worry about dressing up for the zoom meeting. The makeup doesn’t do much for her anyway. I like a natural look she shouldn’t try so hard.
11:00 AM: I almost spit my coffee out when the meeting started. It’s black obviously. I wouldn’t fathom putting any sweetener in it like a little bitch. Jessica wore makeup and didn’t respond to my message.
11:05 AM: Pointedly say in the meeting that it looks like quarantine is really having an effect on everyone.
11:07 AM: Bask in the genius of this subtle dig.
1:00 PM: Download Duolingo and post a screenshot of it on to Facebook. Caption it “Quarantine isn’t an excuse to stop improving on yourself.”
1:30 PM: Reply to 10 girls' tweets telling them that I would never treat them as badly as their boyfriends do, plus I actually saw and liked Little Women by myself.
3:00 PM: Message 10 girls on tinder “wow this sux right lol.”
3:15 PM: Rewatch Breaking Bad because Walter White is an absolute icon and legend.
5:00 PM: Pour myself a glass of scotch. Post a picture to twitter of me sipping it with one eyebrow suggestively raised. Caption it “I guess this is a true thirst trap (I’m drinking).”
7:30 PM: Message Kelsey that if I have the time I’ll help her edit the pilot she wrote. I thought of a new direction for it, honestly, I just don’t think a comedy is something she should be doing. I tell her this and offer ideas for her to write something more like Pride and Prejudice. Men like women with class.
8:00 PM: Email Cindy, a coworker who recently got a promotion, and ask her how she did it. I tell her about all the work I’ve been doing and how I really can’t understand how I got passed up for this. I congratulate her and link my screenplay at the bottom of the email for her to read. It’s not like she has anything better to do while we’re quarantined.
11:30 PM: Listen to Drake on my AirPods as I fall asleep. Humming to the music I think about how I’m better than most men. Are women actually too dumb to see this?