"Religion" is one of those words that makes reasonable people cringe, like "moist" or "BFF." While I personally do not adhere to any religion, or even the idea that religions should exist, I do believe that parts of them are very interesting. Not all parts of them. I can't stress that enough. Mostly they sound like the ramblings of an elderly person who accidentally dropped acid.

I understand that not everyone agrees with me. A lot of people cling to religion like a life raft made of cuddly pandas. However, like the 1992 Men's Olympic Basketball Team, if we were to take the best parts of every religion to form one "Dream Team Religion," I might actually consider being a part of that. Every denomination would have something unique to offer.

Here is my starting lineup and their strengths.

1. Catholicism

First up, Catholicism. It comes with a ton of guilt, and where's the fun in that? But confession—having someone to tell all your secrets to besides your stuffed animals—is a great idea. Not only do you get your sins off your chest, but afterwards God totally forgives you for all of them. Like you're an adorable child getting their cheeks pinched while God smiles and says, "I just can't stay mad at you."

Catholic priest forgives sins at church
"I know the part about homosexuality is in here somewhere…. alllmost found it…. juuuuust a second…."

2. Hinduism

Next up, Hinduism. I think their idea of God's physical form is the best. They either have a human body with an elephant head, or six arms. Hindu gods could all be bosses in Mortal Kombat. My favorite part of Hinduism is reincarnation though. The idea that if you do good in your life, you come back as something good. Like a great white shark with a huge dick. And if you do bad in your life, you come back as something shitty. Like a tattoo artist. That's an idea that's incorporated into every religion in one way or another. "Do unto others" and all that…

3. Judaism

Few (if any) religions have more traditions than Judaism. Isn't that what any religion is all about, a series of traditions? I've never been clear on whether or not the word "Jew" is acceptable. I feel icky when I say it. It probably also doesn't help that I look like an Irish Nazi. That being said, those fuckers are great with money. I think that's something everyone can benefit from regardless of religion. They also pioneered circumcision. Look, no one should ever have to see a penis. They're awful. If you are going to see one though, wouldn't you prefer that it not look like a malnourished Graboid?

4. Buddhism

Buddha takes the prize for most non-threatening deity. I feel like I could have a beer and share a pizza with him. He would probably eat most of the pizza though. He definitely eats his crusts. He preaches enlightenment and inner peace. While I don't really know what those things mean in the grand scheme of things, they sound very peaceful. I'd probably put him in charge of the verbiage of the religion. Like a really chill politician.

5. Islam

I went ahead and saved the best for last: Islam. Did you cringe again? This one offers very slim pickings like that pizza that Buddha got a hold of, yet somehow 23% of the Earth's population are members. They are the only one on this list to preach physical fitness though, and that's important. They call it "Ramadan." I call it a month-long super intense diet. While I don't agree with women having to cover their faces, looking like Cobra Commander is pretty cool.

And on the bench, ready to sub in but perfectly happy just relaxing and watching the rest of the team…

6. Rastafarianism

The Rastafarian sacrament is weed. I don't feel like I need anything else to justify including them, but here's one anyway: dreadlocks are awesome.

I only included the most popular religions in this article, so if you don't see yours here, I'll just assume you're some kind of religious hipster who's into an underground religion that no one else knows about yet. It's important for everyone to form their own opinions with regard to religion. Just remember, don't take anything too seriously.


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