Being part of Santa's Reindeer Flight Squad used to be the most rewarding thing in the world. We worked hard- carrying millions of toys and one big old man ain't easy- but the kids loved us. And for a long time, that was enough. But these past few decades, all we do is get flak for our alleged mistreatment of the so-called “most famous reindeer of all.”
Yes, we've laughed at him. Sure, we've called him names- but never to his freak-nosed face. And maybe once in a while we'll play some games and forget to send him an invite. But here's what the song won't tell you: Rudolph brings it on himself.
At the end of the day, after all the practice runs, after all the sleigh upgrades, we just want to wind down, kick back, and find some structured way to goof around. But then Rudolph shows up, and this motherbucking, buzzkill spoilsport always takes things too far and ruins it for everyone if things don't go his way.
The whole point of this game is to be as inconspicuous as possible, but you know that's well outside the range of capabilities for this attention-seeking try-hard. You try playing hide-and-seek when the hider has a fucking disco ball for a nose. I shit you not, he once hid behind a bush, lit up his nose, and screamed, “Now it's my time to shine!” That's not how the game works, Rudy.
Reindeer Red Light Green Light
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Every time it’s his turn to say red light/green light, he makes it red light for hours, until we eventually all stop playing. It was funny the first time, but got old after about two minutes. He refuses to drop this bit, and to this day if he sees someone walking towards him, he'll light up his nose, shout, “Red light!” and start giggling to himself.
Any time someone on the other team takes a shot, he blinds them with his shiny nose and then denies it. He says his nose, “just does that” when he gets worked up, and then blames us for getting in his face. He also travels shamelessly.
I guess this game is a safety hazard. Rudolph broke his ankle the very first time we let him play. Since then, there’s been a hard ban on any reindeer games that involve jumping, hopping, or skipping.
Reindeer Settlers of Catan
Rudolph just couldn't sit still and listen to the rules even though I explained that this game is actually super fun and interesting. Apparently, collecting reindeer resources and developing reindeer trade is too dull for the guy who gets all his entertainment from lighting up a red ball.
Dance Dance Reindeerlution
This fucking idiot broke his ankle again. Game is banned. Dancer is pissed.
After it became very clear that Rudolph had no idea what he was doing, he started giving speeches about how outting the murderer was “unethical in a state of reindeer servitude” and that “the actions of a reindeer cannot be judged by a strict set of morals so long as reindeer remain a demoralized class.” Then he started calling everyone narcs.
Duck, Duck, Reindeer
Okay, Rudolph was with us the first time we played this, but we all agreed pretty quickly that Duck, Duck, Reindeer was a stupid game and stopped playing.
Reindeer Fortnite has a multi-reindeer mode where four-reindeer teams can play competitively against 25 other teams. Keeping our games limited to 8 reindeer allows for easier player rotation and team-building, that’s just math. Plus, one time we let Rudolph play, and he got mad and smashed my controller. Do you know how hard it is to get the elves to make another hoof-shaped X-box controller?
Pin the Tail on the Reindeer
We used to play this every year at the Christmas party, until one fateful day, Rudolph stood up on a table and declared that the game was animal abuse. To be frank, he had a point. It was always more fun for the elves than it was for us. Once Rudy sent around that petition and kicked off the strike, we quickly hopped onboard. Thankfully, Pin the Tail on the Reindeer was retired before Rudolph could follow through on any of his increasingly violent rhetoric.
After that, we realized that Rudolph has had a rough go of it, and decided to make an effort to include him more. We may not agree with how Rudolph chooses to behave when we're all playing together, but there is one thing we can agree on: Reindeer rights are no game.
I have no idea how, but once again, Rudolph has broken his fucking ankle.