I’m perfect in every facet of life. I’m the perfect boyfriend, son, brother, student, performer, roommate, and writer. Here’s why!

I’m the perfect boyfriend because I have a big penis. I’m the perfect boyfriend because I do nice things for my girlfriend. Nice things like giving her the opportunity to touch my penis. And it’s huge. Specifically, eleven inches. Ergo, perfect.

Then, once in awhile, I’ll be even nicer and leave her a special treat: nude Polaroids of it under her windshield wipers. Then her neighbors and sister and mother can see that I’m perfect too. Though, you might be thinking, “That’s not perfect, Nick!” Well fuck you, I do more for her than that. For instance, I don’t give her oral sex. And that’s also because I’m perfect. See, I’m doing her a favor by leading her on. She sees it as a challenge. But, truth is, my mouth is never going down there. Don’t tell her.

I’m the perfect son because I’m the perfect boyfriend. And remember, I’m the perfect boyfriend because of my abnormally large penis. My mother goes through town and the townspeople tell her: your son is so nice to that woman of his. And she smiles. And you know nothing is worth more than that. I also clean the floors with my penis; I chop wood with it. The house is always warm and clean.

-I’m the perfect brother because I intimidate my sister’s boyfriend with my bulge. He won’t think about leaving her as long as he’s in the shadow of my monster schlong. I intentionally invite him to the gym so he can catch a glimpse of my third leg. But I’d better not catch him looking. If I do, I’ll slap him with it. Then he’ll feel the wrath. Oh yeah, I help her with algebra homework too. Not with my penis though. My penis prefers trig.

I’m the perfect student because I have a 4.0. And I have a 4.0 because I fuck my professors. With my enormous penis…all of them. Easy there. I’m not that bad. I mean I have standards. It just so happens that my penis doesn’t. So it’s more like him fucking them, not me.

He does have two prerequisites. Does it walk upright? Does it have a vagina? Yes, Yes? Well then, he’ll fuck it! And I facilitate his lust by choosing only healthy, female professors. One might say I got an A in finding the G spot. And clitoral sciences.

I’m the perfect performer because I wear tight pants, thus—you guessed it—revealing that I’m hung like a baby (8 pounds, 4 ounces, 21 inches long). Didn’t see that one coming, eh?

Oh yeah, I know all the lyrics to every Guns ‘N’ Roses song too. Not because I’m perfect, but because I’m a stone-cold rocker mother fucker, hard to the core. Also because Axl is in the big penis club too. He’s my hero.

I’m the perfect roommate because I don’t fuck the girls my roommates bring home. I could, because I have a big donkey dick. But I don’t. Mostly because they all have STIs or STDs. Whatever they call it nowadays. I’m too busy grooming my penis to read the paper. I also dust the chessboard and roll the Xbox controllers up when they leave them out.

I’m the perfect writer because I just wrote a lengthy article about my penis, and you read it all. Ahahahahaha sucker!

Nick’s (really two-inch) Penis