We are excited to announce that math has changed! We’ve listened to the public, learning from common critiques like “this is confusing,” “'why are there letters?,” and “AHHHHHHHHH!!” Incoming students need a more accessible way to learn math. And we’re starting with the basics. It is with much excitement that we unveil the new and improved PEMDAS.

P – Phrenonumerology

Phrenology is a science typically applied to the human skull, but it in fact makes more sense in the context of numerology. Now, you need to pay close attention to the construction of numbers themselves. Each newly angled straight line is worth a single point while each newly arched curve is worth two points. Simply determine each number’s phrenological score and then solve from the highest score of a given operation to the lowest! For example, 2 + 1 is worth a mere six points with one curve and four lines, but 73 – 81 is worth a whopping thirteen points with four curves and five lines!

Of course, there’s the problem of a few discrepancies in phrenological construction depending on your font type, but this is in fact a boon rather than a burden! The new PEMDAS requires everyone to write in a serif font. This will eliminate any confusion and ensure your handwriting looks properly fancy.

E – E

If a number has an “e” in its name, solve the operation associated with that number next. The more e’s in a number, the higher priority it takes. And if the operation has an “e” in its name too (we’re looking at you exponents!), then that one takes priority over all the other e’s. Don’t forget your e’s. Enough said!

M – Michelin Stars

We’re excited to announce that, in producing the new PEMDAS, we’ve partnered with French tire proprietor and restaurant reviewer Michelin! The Michelin star system awards one, two, or three stars to restaurants around the globe of exceptional quality. In honor of the enduring legacy of the Michelin system, we’re giving priority to threes, twos, and ones, in that order. Once you’ve addressed your phrenology and sorted out your e’s, proceed through the equation solving any operation involving a three, two, or a one!

D – Division 2.0

Now we didn't want to just completely eschew all of our favorite PEMDAS classics, so we decided to bring back division, but with a new zest! You still divide as normal, but every time you do, draw a star next to the new quotient. If any other operation happens to the starred number, bring the star along! And if it gets divided again, or combined with another number with a star, add another star! We got a lot of negative feedback about division in the previous system, so this is just our little way of spicing up one of math’s most controversial figures.

A – Actualization

Once you’ve wrapped up any remaining division in your problem, it’s time to get a little abstract. Struggles with math are often cited as a reason for declining mental health among students, and that’s not good! To remind you of the importance of keeping your head up, we want to encourage you, and your math problems, to self-actualize! Go ahead and add 100 to every number you’ve got left! Don’t you feel better already?

S – Sound, Simile, and Stanza

Under the new PEMDAS, poetics are the bottom line arbitrator. Perhaps you were taken with the sibilance of two consecutive sevens and decided to add them together. Or maybe you found the repetitive use of ones uncompelling and removed them from the equation entirely. It’s a much more freeform system, and as a result, we expect you to end each problem with a short critical essay justifying your answer by explaining your interpretation of the problem’s poetic nature. Our hope is that your hatred for poetry will be so overwhelming that you forget you’re even doing math.

Example Problem

8/2 – 121 + 4 – 10
Begin with phrenology. 121 has our highest phrenological score at nine points, but 2 and 4 are both tied at three points! No problem, neither has an E, but Michelin Stars can help us solve this problem. Subtract from 2.

8/(-119) + 4 – 10
8 beats 4 phrenologically.

-0.07☆ + 4 – 10
Woah that’s an ugly decimal. Good thing we’ve got a star there to brighten things up! 0.07 has a phrenological score of six, so we’ll deal with that next.

-4.07☆ – 10
We could end the problem here easily enough, but those numbers don’t look very self-actualized to me!

95.93☆ – 110
Much better.

Solution: -14.07☆
What fun that was! While we didn’t have to use poetics to solve this particular problem, challenge yourself by writing a critical essay about the significance of subtracting decimals.

And that’s how you do it! You might be asking: “Why have you done this? Why?” and there’s a simple answer. Because we hate you. We hate you because you’re a dumb little dummy who’s never going to understand anything. So don’t even try, because you’re just a stupid little dumb-dumb baby who will never know how to do math. Good luck!


How to Write Funny Black Friday Bundle Sale
Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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