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"Hey, David," I say to the cashier manning the register at my all-time favorite gas station. I have a soft spot for gas stations for two reasons: nonjudgment and proximity.
These words have been egregiously overused, flogged to within a centimeter of their lives in general, and are altogether too self-consciously "poetic" and pretentious for further public consumption.
I was the ripe age of 16 when I first realized I could fly. I'd always suspected there was something different about me, but looking back it should have been more obvious.
Urinals, emotional maturity, and job responsibility - don't laugh, women, these are things we men have to deal with every day. Well, that and your misunderstanding of anything that's actually funny.
They say the first step to recovery is the admission of a problem. Well here it is, and here I am: I am addicted to Facebook. The following are the insurmountable consequences of trying to quit.
Holidays are supposed to be wondrous occasions to celebrate, but for the most part, a few come to mind that should be abolished and permanently etched off calendars worldwide.
Ever wondered what you're doing on this Earth? Not in a philosophical way, but in a why-didn't-your-mother-shank-your-fetus-with-a-broken-beer-bottle way? Well, your mother often wonders the same thing.
How far would you go to screw with your friends on Facebook? If you said steal your friend's identity and introduce their grandma to new sexual lingo, you're on the right track.
I was having a conversation with a friend regarding our favorite films when the idea hit me: why not combine various films to make unbeatable, blockbusting, super films? So I did.
What do you do when your highway porn store inflatable woman won't hold 'her' air any longer? Well, you can clean the dried cum off her face to start with.
Life isn't like the movies, much to the chagrin of many, so you'll suffer for the sake of a societal collective that believes celebrities 'don't go through the same shit we all do as human beings.'
As a celeb, if you slip up and lose your temper, they'll judge you for it; has nothing to do with the fact you've been hit in the face with self-righteous, misinformed stupid the last five years of your life.