I was having a conversation with a friend regarding our favorite films when the idea hit me: why not combine various films to make unbeatable, blockbusting, super films? So I did. Here are my top 20.
20. Sex in the Mist
Highlight of the movie: Samantha getting gangbanged by Silverbacks and loving every second of it.
19. Saving Private Benjamin
Highlight of the movie: Goldie Hawn accidentally blows herself up while trying to attach a crudely made sticky bomb to a German Panzer.
18. Splash Gordon
Highlight of the movie: The final fight scene between by Splash (Daryl Hannah) and Ming the Merciless.
17. There's Something About Rambo
Highlight of the movie: Sylvester Stallone having dinner with Ben Stiller with spunk in his hair.
16. 10 Things I Hate About Philadelphia
Highlight of the movie: An AIDS-ridden Tom Hanks tries to seduce an unimpressed Julia Styles.
15. Misery at Tiffany's
Highlight of the movie: Kathy Bates breaks Audrey Hepburn's legs with a sledgehammer.
14. Master and Commando
Highlight of the movie: Russell Crowe being gunned down by Arnie.
13. Pretty Robocop
Highlight of the movie: Robocop giving Richard Gere a blowjob, after reiterating "no kissing on the lips."
12. Charlie and the Football Factory
Highlight of the movie: Charlie and a couple of Oompa Loompas getting their heads kicked in by Millwall fans.
11. American Black Beauty
Highlight of the movie: Kevin Spacey seduces and fucks a horse covered in rose petals. The horse seems to enjoy it though.
10. Bravefeet
Highlight of the movie: A camp penguin leads an army of Scots into battle against the English. He can dance, but he can also fight: Freedom indeed!
9. Happyheart
Highlight of the movie: Mel Gibson tap dancing for two hours in full Scottish dress. Unfortunately, as a result of his effeminate displays, the Scots are laughed off the battlefield and Mel Gibson is kicked to death by his own men.
8. Driving Miss Congeniality
Highlight of the movie: At the end of the movie, Morgan Freeman visits Sandra Bullock in the retirement home and feeds her pie.
7. Four Weddings and Two Smoking Barrels
Highlight of the movie: Hugh Grant, playing a loveable, foppish, dithering English gangster, getting his head smashed in with a car door by a rather intimidating Vinnie Jones.
6. The Lion, the Witch and the Shining
Highlight of the movie: "Hereeee's Aslan!"
5. Greasebusters
Highlight of the movie: John Travolta getting zapped by Ray, Winston, Egon and Peter before inflicting his dodgy vocals and dance moves on an impressionable audience, thus preventing a ridiculous fad that lasted three decades longer than it should have.
4. Three Rain Men and a Baby
Highlight of the movie: Three retarded Dustin Hoffman's teaching an infant to count cards, with hilarious yet tragic consequences.
3. Butch Cassidy and the Karate Kid
Highlight of the movie: Ralph Macchio discovers that a crane kick can't stop a bullet.
2. Raging Magnolia
Highlight of the movie: Julia Roberts being repeatedly punched in the head by Joe Pesci.
And finally, at number one…
1. Last Tango and Cash in Paris
Highlight of the movie: Kurt Russell getting butter-fucked up the ass by Sylvester Stallone. You can almost taste the sexual chemistry throughout the movie.
Those are my top twenty movies. What are yours?
I also want to give a quick mention to the list of movies that, although promising, didn't quite make the cut:
- The Exersister Act
- The Spiderman Chronicles
- Gump Fiction
- American History X-Men
- Kramer vs. Superman