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When tasting a wine, I like to start three feet away from the wine glass and write down my first impressions from my eyes and beloved, all-telling nose.
I had forgotten one important factor that may determine the outcome of my business: when it comes to work, I suffer from dissociative identity disorder.
Donald Trump believes that people will forget what you’ve said, they’ll forget what you did, but they won’t forget a 1,000 mile border wall. You love this man, and so do I.
Pick any ex-boyfriend at random, and dwell upon his cruel non-verbal communication - the eye-rolls, smirks, and resentful sighs. Imagine having slapped him every time.
I would like to express my deepest gratitude for your willingness to begin the process of considering having sex with me. But first, a few matters of federal, state, and local law.
There's no way I entered this incorrectly; I watched myself do it the right way ten times now. Why would I get my password wrong? It's MY password.
Grandpa's lost all attention span after those long days and nights toiling to find pieces of prime content to make into memes and listicles.
My father, Robert Earl Poopinmyunderwear, brought prosperity to this town. Poopinmyunderwear Diapers are the top selling pants guards for feces-conscious adults.
When Mom came home from the swap meet with a trio of parrots, I was stoked. But it didn't take long for me to realize one thing: parrots are assholes.
If I'm prescribed a sleep apnea mask, maybe I'll be able to get through my day without 7 cups of coffee. 7 cups is a normal amount, right?
When your dad turned 48, he felt a helpless desperation welling up in his chest. Now, this giant marble sculpture of Dolph Lundgren's abs fill the void.
To test how realistic the mysterious Clue is, I killed six different people, each with a different weapon, in various rooms of an old gilded age mansion I rented.