Hello. My name is Bob Davis. I am a professional wine taster/drinker.

When tasting a wine, I like to start three feet away from the wine glass and write down my first impressions from my eyes and beloved, all-telling nose. I analyze the artistic value of the glass. (Is it pretty? Is it shapely? Does it complement the wine?) I approach the wine at six-inch intervals, making sure to support or contradict my original jots.

Franzia boxed wine truck

After arriving at the glass, I lower my torso at the waist and sniff the rim. I take a sip and vigorously swish it around like it's mouthwash. I back off, eat something delicious (I usually bring pizza rolls) and re-sniff and re-evaluate at least thrice.

Finally, I drink several glasses because I like to feel buzzed and because it contributes to the whole wine experience, which other critics avoid and ignore. Sometimes I have a cold and things in my nose get weird. Do I detect a hint of Mucinex and Advil?

Beige Truck Wine

Born and brewed in Arkansas, I immediately notice that this fine wine has the tint of off-white paint similar to the light beige of a toilet rim stain. Drinking this wine is actually an experience of a lifetime; it is just that bad. If you let it breathe a little, this wine reveals glimmers of gasoline and car paint. The nuanced taste indicates the grapes traveled 55 miles per hour in an off-white Ford pick-up truck with furry green floor mats and a Hawaiian ukulele-playing dashboard ornament before reaching the distillery.

The bite after swallowing clearly attests to its passage down none other than I-355. (This is clearly not an I-90 wine.) Drinking this wine is just like sitting in the back of a pick-up truck, barreling down the highway in a wife beater and cut-off jeans, while firing a two-gauge shotgun at any birds that pass above you for "a good time."

This event definitely calls for a plastic cup.

Froceaux Sobet Poire (something like that)

This wine has massive overtones that encompass my entire mouth like a ball gag. Smelling of tart orange and cloves, I could tell that fifty pounds of grapes were driven by a young man named Pierre, depressed from his recent breakup with an unbelievably good-looking girl named Addie and wearing an Adidas shirt (one of the fibers must have fallen into a barrel of this beverage) during which he was heavily sunburned.

Also, I think I tasted a tear. My burp smelled vaguely reminiscent of a Quarter Pounder at McDonald's with a hint of fries (which incidentally was what I had for dinner). As a boxed wine, this alcoholic beverage truly lives up to its boxed wine status.

Pinot Blanc 3

The clear liquid, seemingly innocuous, mainly tasted like every spice imaginable and some grapes. Best drink this in La-Z-Boy chair next to a roaring fireplace, watching the Sunday football game while doing crossword puzzles. Just take an additional 200 years, and it will be delightful.

If you do have the pleasure of enjoying this wine, allow it to sit in ice for five minutes and then rest in the glass for another five minutes to create and enrich the glorious, awe-inspiring, overwhelming, and extremely acidic flavors. This wine can be found in a small, one-room brewery in northwest Indiana. As a boxed wine, this alcoholic beverage truly lives up to its boxed wine status.

Chateau House

After my lengthy evaluation procedure, I sensed this wine's aroma contains a bouquet of rye bread, celery, envelope-closing paste, and surprisingly mineral garnishes. (Perhaps granite?) Plus, there is a satiny and subtle Butterfinger aftertaste. This wine would pair perfectly with Steak ‘n Shake cheeseburgers, overcooked hot dogs, and perhaps a Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard on the side.

Let me tell you, you've got a real winner with this one. It's totally Frenchy. The bottle is sleek with a unique and artistic label ("Chateau House") and a nice pun printed on the bottle (I "nose" my wines). This bottle sports womanly curves where both legs are amputated. It's almost like a raindrop as it hits a surface and one end is flattened. The package is so beautiful that I think it makes me judge the wine in an unfairly positive manner.

I should add that this wine perfectly fits the brown bags the people at grocery stores put them in. No trouble there. The wine also has a slight paper bag-y smell, which doesn't actually seem possible from bagging it but certainly makes you wonder. This wine can be found at any Jewel-Osco or Albertsons.