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When I said I personally liked having 30 books in my house, I meant it because that's what I like. It was a fucking suggestion, not a threat.
Let this dry skin mask sit for 30 minutes while you contemplate why everyone else's bully peaked in high school but Claire is now an Instagram celeb.
What kind of monster doesn’t enjoy flannel? As blue gingham is to spring and summer, flannel is to your fall and winter Tinder photos.
3) What did you get Aunt Peggy for Christmas? a. A big box of steering clear. b. Well, she would have wanted me to get myself something nice.
I get it. You're not really interested in me. I'm just an object you can show off to your friends. "Ooh look, I'm Donald Trump and I have a big wall!"
I doubt it would cook up an abundance of hate to overpower the abundance of love. It would be so not like the universe to fuck with abundance.
The Musician: This Jason Mraz-wannabe thought this mic was for music, but ended up in a cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason.
A Cooking Class: after watching him try to poach an egg, realize you’re ready for someone who knows the difference between cinnamon and cardamom.
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.
I felt for the first time that I was seeing myself through someone else's eyes, but it turns out it was because I was seeing my twin brother.
Show your dream company your most impressive work by hanging your greatest taxidermied prize outside their window.
God gave the Israelites corn and said, “Take this. And eat it only off the cob, with little tiny things called corn holders."