Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
That’s it. No need to risk making promises you can’t keep or guarantee sweeping policy reform that is realistically unattainable in the short term.
Quitticisim (kwit-??siz?m): The paralyzing decision to either delete or refresh Twitter every thirty seconds.
Let me wipe off the shaving cream and stow my kit bag where the emergency phone used to be.
Who better to speak to my abilities than someone who was around me during my formative years, which I spent using Romeo and Juliet as a pillow?
Truth is, all of us at USPS are trying to reach you/Because you checked off premium shipping without paying for that feature.
It's not that I’m afraid of commitment—I just don’t want to start something that’s not right for me.
Also, need I remind you, I didn’t try to lasso the waiter with it---I did lasso the waiter with it.
At our first show without the droning hum of our generator, it was scary to launch into our opener, a cover of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.”
You know what it looks like. It’s the same tank top I wear every time we get together to defeat an age-old evil or combat a monstrous hellion.
Hapless criminals looking for qualified candidate to provide wakeup service to a suburban Chicago family with an early morning flight.
I cannot forgive you for making me spend what would have been my final year at Hogwarts shitting in the woods.
He repeated it while scribbling notes, carefully making sure he’d heard me correctly. “So you get home. The floor is lava. You take a shower?”