STUART MILLMAN
MAIL CARRIER
MID-AMERICAN DISTRICT
USPS

February 23rd, 1999

SUBJECT: FIRST COLLECTION NOTICE — 30 DAYS LATE

Dear Stan,

I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’
Sorry for the “ain’t,” my boss says I should be more modern.
Truth is, all of us at USPS are trying to reach you
Because you checked off premium shipping without paying for that feature.
I figured we could let it slip, just on this occasion
You send so many letters, you’re our most loyal patron.
And you deserve to catch a break, every now and then.
I know your life is miserable, based on what you write to Eminem.
Don’t worry, I didn’t open the letters, or else I’d go to jail.
But if you hold them up to the light just right, you can see right through the mail.

It’s funny, we have so much in common, without meeting face to face.
We both put two stamps on our letters… You know, just in case.
And it’s apparent that calligraphy is not one of your talents
But I love those sloppy addresses, I’m a man that loves a challenge.
Also, the way you cut yourself just to see how much you bleed?
That same letter gave me a paper cut! A coincidence, indeed!

At any rate, I hope you do respond to this letter.
I’ll assume that you’ve probably just been under the weather.

But if you do decide you want to pay your balance, then please do
Write me back, or call, too.
Extension 512

Your mailman,
Stu


STUART MILLMAN
MAIL CARRIER
MID-AMERICAN DISTRICT
USPS

March 23rd, 1999

SUBJECT: SECOND COLLECTION NOTICE — 60 DAYS LATE

Dear Stan,

You still ain’t called or wrote, I hope you’re feelin’ better,
I “ain’t” mad, I just think it’s FUCKED UP you don’t answer letters.
Usually I’d assume that you might’ve just missed em.
But literally all you do is interact with the postal system.
And I know you’re probably mad at the “invasion of privacy,”
But with you and Emimem, how do you not see the irony???

Do you really have a clue about perseverance and passion?
Or should I regale you of a mailman who brings orders in a timely fashion?
Do you know what it’s like to be a 65 year old guy,
And trudge through a blizzard, staring death in the eye!

And sure… I’m in my truck… Which has four-wheel drive…
But if my arthritis flared up, I may not have survived!
And sure, even if it did, I keep my Trexall close,
But I take one every morning, you want me to overdose?

And sure, that’s unlikely with my diet of lean meats and fruit,
Regardless! It’s not easy. Particularly with my route…
You see, you’re the last on my list, but I always choose you first,
It’s a massive inconvenience, and makes my commute much worse.

I wake up early every morning, just as dawn cracks,
With the hopes that, just maybe, you will have written back.
And I’ll see you through the window, a moment pure and fleeting,
Two ships crossing in the night, and finally meeting,
If but for a glimpse, yet one so immense!
…You know, to collect your balance of 11 dollars and 14 cents.

Seriously. It’s only getting more overdue.

So PLEASE write back.

Your mailman,
Stu


STUART MILLMAN
FORMER MAIL CARRIER
MID-AMERICAN DISTRICT
NON-AFFILIATE

April 23rd, 1999

SUBJECT: WHAT WOULD BE FINAL COLLECTION NOTICE — 90 DAYS LATE

Dear “MR. I’M TOO GOOD TO CALL OR WRITE MY MAILMAN,”

This will be the LAST letter I ever send your ass!
I don’t give a SHIT if you ever pay your fine!
Because USPS informed me that I’ve just been reassigned!

They were “worried that I was forming a creepy, psychotic bond,”
But how could that be?! When one of us never responds!
You ruined it Stan, we could have been together, think about it
Now I can’t be within 50 feet unless a Judge allowed it!

Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to “Cease and Desist”
When the victim of the restraining order doesn’t even know you exist??

USPS got “concerned” when other customer mail was behind…
And the cops found me “stalking” (their words, not mine).
You’re the only one that gets me, Stan! You don’t see what the coppers see.
And I guess Eminem, too, by the transitive property.

But don’t you see we’re both attracted to those who ignore us!
I’ve always wanted what I can’t have! Ugh, classic Taurus!
All I ever wanted was for you to be empathic,
So now ol Stu is going Postal. I might get a little drastic…

You see, I happen to be going on a little drive
In my USPS Mobile. Flying high at 45.
And has ol Stu been drinking? Why yes, it appears so,
Just cracked open my third Coke Zero…
This caffeine’s got me kooky! And I got nothin’ to lose!
Although, not quite as kooky as that one guy on the news.
I’m not sure if you saw what this joker did,
He got drunk as a skunk and drove his car off a bridge.
Pregnant girlfriend, no survivors, yada yada, pretty sad.

And in the car they found a tape, which made me really mad.
Because if he’d just used USPS, it would say who it was to.
Come to think of it. His name was…it was you.

Damn.

Anyway, I’m still required to ask you to pay when you can.
This has been Stu. Your forever mailman. <3

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.