Dear DieselDude91,

How's it going? Remember me? I don't want to brag, but you checked out my OkCupid profile every day for months before finally messaging me with "wink…wink… what's your bra size." Man, you must really detest conventional question marks.

Then you got mad at me for not responding, so you returned fire with this ditty: "I have NO expectations when I write to somebody. Why don't you answer me? Hiding behind an electronic device and ignoring someone who reaches out to you in a genuine way is really vexing. I suspect you take pride in vexing people. I am a hungry bear. Let's play."

Wait, is this OkCupid or Dickstarter? I can't remember. I deleted my memory when I opened this account. Either way, I seriously regret internetting as opposed to waiting outside a club at 2 a.m. for romance.

Heart with wings
Wings cannot express how far I want to fly from you.

Thank you for your message. I hated it. You have zero expectations when you dole out the cyber wink and request personal information? Sure. You wanted a wink, a chat, and, apparently, a full-body exam. If you didn't have expectations, why do you come across so embittered after I silently rejected you? For a guy who visited me in clockwork fashion, you could've offered a more articulate starting point. And yes, I often make the first move by contacting like-minded guys, and I don't resort to facial tics or a measuring tape.

Why do you need to know my mammary proportions? I didn't realize I listed "topless pajama party" right next to "going to the farmer's market" as a favorite hobby, but, alright then. Step aside as I envision our first date encounter:

You: There are options.
Me: Like what?
You: Take off all your clothes.
Me: What are the other options?
You: I'm out.

Hiding behind a tech device, you say? You bet. You seem confused about the term "internet anonymity." Google it and click on whatever. This is free online dating. Welcome to the noiseless slot machine brimming with fake profiles created by bored 15-year-old stoners. Hey, maybe you'll find your future bride. Just kidding. You won't. You'll agree to meet a compatible match face-to-face expecting a big sexy tryst where you'll feel alive AND dead because over time you've developed a major heart erection for this wonderful stranger, but in reality, it will only amount to an awkward dinner date in which you'll quickly realize that their profile picture was taken ten years ago. Each relationship is its own little education. Funfetti cake for all!

Most messages to women on OkCupid go unread. The other messages go unanswered. Remember that these messages are weird, creepy, poorly spelled, vulgar, and recycled. We have to be selective. We have to trust our instincts. Believing that I owed you a reply because you took five seconds out of your crumb-covered, slipper-wearing, pantless internet search at your dining room table to communicate to me is a macho myth. The enemy rating is there for a reason. Don't look at an enemy rating in double digits and think: "Oh, hey, someone I have nothing in common with! I should write! Hahaha, send."

You're a hungry bear? Well, fuckerydo. Could you put a bell on yourself so women everywhere can at least get a head start? Thanks buddy.

Here's a hot online dating tip: comment on women's careers, their hobbies, their international vacations, and if they don't respond, then do something drastic by saying screw it. Pick a decent username, be honest in your profile, and refrain from posting pics that make you look like a creepster. Let your pictures do the talking. Unless they're dick pics, in which case, keep that muzzled—nobody wants to interact with a talkative penis.

Look at my pictures… I'm pretending to enjoy kale salad! I'm dominating a game of skeeball! I'm falling off a skateboard on a trampoline (long story)! My pictures scream ALL THIS AND BRAINS TOO. Now you try it, nameless dude.

Date on!

P.S. Or not!