I have what has been diagnosed as an irrational dislike for Applebee's.  To me, Applebee's represents the muddling down of all cultures, to create meals that cater to everyone, and in doing so satisfy no one. The end result is mediocrity. What I really can't comprehend is how I keep ending up back there. It's always some half-hearted compromise, where friends have to compromise and meet in the middle. I suggest Chinese, but someone else isn't in the mood, and then they suggest pizza, but someone else just had pizza, and the next thing you know we're meeting right in the middle: “Well, you wanna just go to Applebee's?”


But just like that, I'm being seated at Applebee's, bracing myself for another mediocre experience–wondering, “Am I really here again? I thought I swore to never come back. Did I just order a Quesadilla Onion Ring burger? Surely that didn't just happen.” And then when the waitress asks if I want a side of Mexi-Ranch, instead of saying, “No thanks, that sounds gross,” I say, “Sure,”…because apparently, I refuse to have a good day.

What is going on here? Are there strings attached to me, because I don't feel like I'm making these decisions for myself!

That's why I've decided, from this point on, I will never return, no matter what. If my friends all decide to go there, I will stand outside in the parking lot, protesting the muddling down of cultures. Life is too short to go to Applebee's and pay fourteen bucks to have indigestion for the rest of the day.

The Applebee's mantra itself displays the falsehoods it represents: “Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood.” That's a lie. You're not eating in a neighborhood. No one has ever seen an Applebee's inside of a neighborhood. How pissed would you be if an Applebee's moved in next door to you? “Oh, fuck no, who is this asshole with the neon red apple on his roof?” The value of your real estate would drop 99% and you'd have to sell your house to some Meth-heads for $1000–which would be good for Applebee's because they're always hiring cooks.

I wish corporations would just be truthful with their branding.  Instead of “Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood,” how about “Makin' Your Jaw Weary in a Strip Mall Right Off the Interstate.” Or “Applebee's…When There's a 65-Minute Wait at Outback.” It's funny because it's true though. Or even, “Applebee's, Because Every Day has a Low Point…Why Not Get Yours Over with by Lunch?”

Besides, “Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood,” isn't even proper grammar.  Correct English would be, “Eatin' Well in the Neighborhood.”  So ultimately, “Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood” is just saying, “I'm dumb, and I think strip malls are neighborhoods.”  So ultimately it says: “I'm dumb, and I'm stupid,” which is a motto I can respect, because I don't have anything against stupid people.  I didn't even know “eatin' good” was wrong until I used the grammar check.