New York City is a large city. Some would say that New York City is even larger than Dallas, Texas, but due to its relevance in the classified report on the murder of our first Irish Catholic president John F. Kennedy, the exact size, location, and population of Dallas is a state secret. As was the name John F. Kennedy himself, until an intrepid group of puzzle fiends sluiced the name from the CIA Kidz Zone website. The CIA can't resist a good puzzle.

New York is the city that never sleeps. This is because of all the psychic pain the city generates. If psychic pain could be measured, New York would be pretty high on the scale. Sadly, psychic pain cannot be measured, as only the metric system has a unit for it. The metric system is illegal in New York City.

All this psychic pain is generated in one night – New Year’s Eve – by slowly impaling a small apple, something all New Yorker's have a natural aversion to, on a stainless steel pole. “Hey Mister Apple! You're too small! We're a big apple town!” they chant, as the apple, which is made of Swarovski crystal (Swarovski being Polish for “stolen” of course) and shaped not at all like an apple, is slowly lowered by the tallest man in New York City, Bill de Blasio.

Swarovski ball drop in NYC

The “apple” explodes on impact, littering the streets with crystal meth.

Bill de Blasio is the warlord of New York. He and his lesbian concubine rule the city with an iron fist. Oftentimes they will ride around the city dispensing both alms and their perverted justice upon the citizens. The rest of their time they spend frolicking in New York City's sewer systems, also known as “The People's Waterpark.” Nobody but the warlord and his favored concubine are allowed in The People's Waterpark.

New York was founded as a penal colony for chronic masturbators and ether addicts from Australia.

New York has a long and storied history. New York was founded as a penal colony for chronic masturbators and ether addicts from Australia. Australia is a fictitious Baltic city-state used as a diversion by the English to distract France in the Hundred Years War. This is where the idiom “Hey Frenchman, all our gold is in the Baltic City State of Australia – look there and not in London” comes from. If you're thinking of another Australia, you are wrong.

New York soon became an economically important city. This was mainly due to its manufacturing base. It manufactured erotic novelties and fake medications, and shipped them over to Europe until 1700, when prominent Vatican theologians forgot the existence of masturbation, leaving the entirety of Christian Europe unaware of masturbation and the existence of erotic novelties until 1968.

During the American Revolution, New York played a major role, being mentioned by George Washington as “The city of Jews and those who expose themselves to the blind, a haven of filth which the British are welcome to take as a gonorrhea nodule on the penis of King George himself. One cannot venture but two feet into the city without having the excretions of its residents flung at you.” The war for independence ended in six months, with the rest of the revolution being fought over who would have to own New York City.

It remained a British territory until 1812, when, due to the legal enforcement of Sodomy Saturdays by then-warlord Ezra de Blasio, the British were so reviled by the populace that they declared the war of 1812. The war's stated goals were to “Give back the festering boil that functions as naught but a market for weapons grade antibiotics and Swisher Sweet cigarillos.”  Swisher sweet cigarillos would not be invented until 1991. My, were those English clever! After the American defeat in the war, New York existed as a quarantine zone, surrounded by the Berlin Wall (named after its architect, Irving Berlin) until Ronald Reagan, supreme Khan of the United States of America, knocked it down brick by brick in 1865. Since then, its main form of income has been prostitution and organ theft.

The overcautious New York City, upon hearing of the Korean War, surrendered to North Korea almost immediately.

New York also played a significant role in the Civil War. The Underground Railroad, AKA the New York City Subway System, had many stops in New York City. As slaves got off at a stop, they would be quickly returned to the southern owner. New York would lie to Southern slaves, telling them that New York was a land of yams, splendor, and freedom, allowing this plan to work perfectly throughout the entire history of American Slavery. This was a main driver of New York's economy until the end of the Civil War. Due to this, New York City was the first US territory to try to secede from the Union. At the end of the war, New York was so angry at the president who ended slavery (whose name, due to his assassination, is a state secret. Since he was assassinated before the CIA was made, there are no puzzles that will reveal his name) they sent the famous actor John Wilkes de Blasio, great-granduncle of Bill de Blasio, to perform a play so bad that Lincoln would shoot himself. This is where the famous homosexual play Rent came from.

New York City neon lights

New York City's neon lights developed after the cast of “Rent” suggested the city needed more flair.

New York City was historically irrelevant from the end of the Civil War until America entered the Korean War. The overcautious New York City, upon hearing of the war, surrendered to North Korea almost immediately, without any North Korean nationals approaching the US mainland. The treaty of surrender, in part, reads: “To the glorious Kim Il Sung: We, the people of New York City, surrender ourselves in totality to the great people of Korea and the Glorious ideology of Juche. We request mercy but understand that your righteous fist has the sovereign right to mete out punishment. Our labor, industrial capacity, and military capability is yours to use as you see fit.”

New York City has many squares, but none more famous than the Square of Time. The Square of Time is a large triangle-shaped square in the center of New York City. Nobody goes to the Square of Time; they are not allowed.

New York is also famous for its Little Italy, or as the locals call it, “The Italian Peninsula with smaller things including small people town.”

Broadway is a very wide road with many homosexual theaters that bisect New York city. It is so broad that everyone who has tried to cross it has died of old age before making it to the other side. It is famous for the Broadway show, the title of which is “The Real Housewives of The Excessively Large Road,” detailing the complicated personal lives of those who attempt to traverse the street. On the other side is the Square of Time, and nobody goes there. They are not allowed.

New York has many ethnic populations, but none are larger than the Serbian community. The Serbian community grew around the Shrine of St. Slobodan Milosevic, a great Serbian war hero. New York is famous for its Chinatown. Chinatown is a movie directed by a child molester, starring Jack Nicholson. No, not that child molester, although he does live in New York. Many film directors are child molesters.

New York is also famous for its Little Italy, or as the locals call it, “The Italian Peninsula with smaller things including small people town.”  Little Italy was created by the dark mage Phil de Blasio, the evil twin of Bill de Blasio. Phil de Blasio is actually just Bill de Blasio in a Van Dyke moustache, but, like the size of Dallas and the name of the president that ended slavery, this is a state secret. Phil de Blasio captured many famous Italians such as Julius Caesar, Silvio Berlusconi, Don Corleone, and Benito Mussolini and shrunk them down, forcing them to live in his highly detailed model of the Italian Peninsula.

New York is not without its political troubles. The previous warlord, known only as The Allseer Bloomberg, was deposed after declaring himself warlord for life. He now leads a gang of renegades in the walled street. Frequently, Bloomberg's walled street gang will crash the global economy if their expected tribute of slightly spoilt quail eggs, smoked whitefish, and dry lentils is not sufficiently spoilt, smoked, and dry.

Well, that's the end of my book report on New York City. If I could take away one thing from learning about this city, it's that public masturbation isn't technically illegal in New York City as long as an old woman is not caused to faint, and not spitting on the subway is seen as impolite. In New York City, spitting on the subway is seen as a compliment to the chef.