Thank you all for coming.  I called this press conference because I felt it necessary to clear the air regarding incidents that took place on Friday June 27th, 2008.  First off, as treasurer of FMS I would like to say that my actions are in no way representative of this fine establishment as a whole, and they certainly do not reflect the morals of this institution in any way.  With that being said, let me be the first to say that I'm sorry.

First, I would like to apologize to the Sanctuary night club downtown.  I appreciate that you let me in despite the fact that I looked visibly intoxicated.  Also, I realize that the picture on the ID I presented you had facial hair while I had none.  While this in no way should automatically disqualify me from being admitted, I can appreciate your diligence and eagerness to get to the bottom of it. 

Even though I thought the cavity search was a bit excessive, I realize it is policy and I can respect that.  I also had no right to verbally berate the bouncer Mick while he made sure I wasn't carrying a loaded firearm.  I didn't even know his mother was in a wheelchair and I realize now that there was no way she could "walk her ass down here" so I could show her what a "Dirty Zambrano" was.  I'm not even exactly sure what one is myself, and Mick's mother probably doesn't know either.  It was classless and would have proved useless given the fact that neither of us is sure of the definition. 

Secondly, your bartenders and wait staff are top notch.  Not only did they provide prompt service, but they made me feel like I belonged.  I would especially like to note that Carl the bartender treated me with the utmost respect and I feel ashamed that I continuously stole his tips throughout the night and used them to buy drinks for myself and my friends.  He didn't deserve that and if he's listening, I would like to say that I hope he saves up enough money for his son's chemotherapy and I hope the cancer doesn't continue to spread as quickly as it has. 

I would also like to say that I will no longer continue to operate a swingers club out of your restroom.  I know you've told me to stop in the past and I've agreed, but this time I'm serious.  Although if you change your mind, I am willing to split the cover charge I've been collecting with you. 

I would also like to apologize directly to Brutus.  I know this isn't his real name, but I couldn't understand what he was saying during the melee.  I've been told that studio wrestling isn't real and that hitting somebody in the back with a chair can seriously injure them in real life.  I was unaware of this at the time.  I just hope that his C4 and C5 vertebrae can be repaired and that the paralysis isn't permanent.  I know that he makes his living as a bouncer and he needs to be able to move his arms and legs in order to do his job.  I realize that it's still too early to tell because the swelling hasn't gone down, but if there is anything I can do to help in his recovery, please let me know.  In the meantime I will say a prayer for him. 

Next, I would like to extend my apologies to the Hayward County Police Department.  I still don't know how you responded to the incident so quickly, but I guess a magician never reveals his secrets.  Although I thought two squad cars were a little unnecessary, I can understand that safety comes first and that having backup is standard police procedure. 

Officer Jones is incredibly strong for an older gentleman and I would like to tell Officer Ramirez that the cigarettes burns didn't look too bad and I'm still not sure where I found a jar of sulfuric acid.  I'm fairly certain his two young kids will still recognize him. 

I know now that running from you guys was not only a terrible decision but also wrong.  Even though I consider myself extremely fast, I was no match for the speed and quickness of your police dog, Max.  Although I may have played a part in his untimely death, I cannot take full responsibility for the death of Max.  Mick the bouncer must have missed the concealed knife I carry that I used to repeatedly stab him.  I feel that Sanctuary night club should step up to the plate and take responsibility for this one.  I would also like to help in the training of their bouncers to help prevent this in the future.

Lastly, I would like to apologize to my superiors and my peers.  I know that at FMS we hold the integrity of people in roles such as treasurer to a higher standard and I promise to pay back every last dime I stole and used to buy cocaine from the dealer on the corner of 2nd and Chestnut.  As soon as I get a second job, I can reimburse you.  Also, if the Hayward County Police Department is looking for a drug bust, I was wearing a wire.

Once again I would like to apologize to everybody I've embarrassed.

Thank you.

Joey Hamilton
6th Grade Honors Student
Fullerton Middle School