Fiona M.
4 Stars

I’ve flown around Ian many times but never stopped in for a meal. Glad I did! Good blood, fast service—I was in and out.

Terrance M.
4 Stars

Went for date night with my SO. Great ambiance—enough body hair to afford some privacy but not so much that it gets in the way of your meal. We sat on a lovely forearm vein with freckle views. Dinner was a full-bodied red with notes of burrito.

Jeanine M.
2 Stars

When I arrived, Ian started jogging. I couldn’t land for 20 minutes and got no assistance from the restaurant until it finally stopped to retie its shoes. Quality blood, but I’m docking 3 stars for the horrible service. Don’t try Ian unless it’s standing still.

Brad M.
1 Star

It’s like they didn’t want my business. Violently flailing hands made it impossible to sit down, and the place reeked of DEET. Don’t they know that stuff is literal customer repellent? Steer clear of this place and try Julia next door.

Mina M.
1 Star

I wish I could give this place 0 stars. I went with my 14 besties and my boyfriend Devin for my 21st birthday. Out of nowhere a hand flicked my BFF Kaylee and BROKE HER WINGS. She fell to the ground and DIED IN AGONY. Then DEVIN GOT SWATTED. He was FULL OF BLOOD AND EXPLODED EVERYWHERE. Needless to say, it was the worst birthday ever. I didn’t even get a free dessert.

Ian B.
Business? Owner?

Hi Mina,

I guess I’m the…um…proprietor here at Ian. I just discovered these reviews—this explains why I was called a hypocrite at the farmers’ market where I sell my cruelty-free candles and soaps.

I deeply regret your tragic losses and the impact of these reviews on my personal brand. From now on, Ian will strive to deliver a superb and DEET-free dining experience. I’ve also implemented a strict no-swatting policy to minimize diner fatalities. If you give Ian another chance, your next meal is on me 😉

Maya M.
4 Stars

I was hesitant due to the bad reviews, but I was hungry, it was raining, and Ian was the only restaurant in sight. An umbrella was set up to keep customers dry, and apparently, there was a drink special ‘cause the BAC was like .06! Got my buzz on and almost wasn’t safe to fly home. I just wish Ian stayed open later—it went inside before 8 PM. Telling my friends about this neighborhood gem!

Ian B.
Business / Owner

Thanks Maya! I’ve extended my hours by leaving the bedroom window open, and will offer daily happy hour from 5pm onward. Hope to host you again soon!

Joaquin M.
5 Stars

Stopped in during peak dinner rush so it took a while to get seated. But the blood… WOW. It’s not just O+. It’s O++.

Ian B.
Business / Owner

Thanks Joaquin! I’m excited to announce some changes to address your feedback. From now on, Ian will be in the backyard 24 hours a day standing naked and motionless.

Ani M.
5 Stars

I brought my entire extended family from our nearby stagnant puddle. The updated menu certainly tempts with exotic offerings like armpit, belly button, and love handle. I’m actually writing this review live from Ian, surrounded by a thick cloud of fellow diners, with my proboscis deep in an ankle vein! It’s my 5th meal of the day and I never want to leave this blood-sucking bacchanal!

Ian B.
Restaurant / Host

Ani, thanks for the glowing review! Unfortunately, Ian is feeling very weak and must temporarily close due to severe blood loss. I look forward to reopening soon and continuing to provide a five-star experience – if I can find an O+ donor in time.

Celine M.
1 Star

What happened to this place? They’ve completely changed the concept of the restaurant—the only thing on the menu is rotting flesh. Must be new management. Went to Julia instead.


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