Listen, I get it. We don’t want to offend anybody, especially in a hypersensitive political environment like this corner booth at Applebee’s. Which is why I’ve kept my mouth shut about Disney’s recent decision to cast a black actress as the Little Mermaid. I even bit my tongue when it was announced that Toy Story 4 would briefly feature a lesbian couple. But given the news that Disney will be using a Mexican Deer for the revival of Bambi, I can no longer be silent. It doesn’t matter that the Classic Combo just arrived or that the Neighborhood Nachos are getting cold, a Mexican Bambi is an assault on our Judeo-Christian tradition.

And look, I’m a huge fan of diversity (have you seen the range of appetizers available in the 2 for $20 deal?) But I have to draw the line on this Mexican Bambi thing before it’s too late. It would be like if Cinderella were Jamaican, Simba were Chinese, or the Brew Pub Pretzels weren’t accompanied by Beer Cheese Dip and Honey Dijon Mustard. Is nothing sacred? I’ll lower my voice as long as we can agree on one thing: as far as Deer go, Bambi most certainly is not Mexican.

Have you ever heard Bambi speak Spanish?

It simply doesn’t make sense. For instance, in the new film, what will Bambi eat? These Southwestern Style Tacos instead of grass? Will Bambi drink these half-priced Margaritas instead of natural spring water? At least the original plot was believable! Now I’m concerned that Thumper (a pink-nosed rabbit) and Flower (a loveable skunk) will be played by… Mexican animals. I realize that the hostess is staring and people are starting to relocate, but my point remains: the latest installment will be outrageous, an attack on our most cherished values.

More than anything, I feel blindsided. With each radical casting decision, Disney veers hopelessly away from family-friendly entertainment. It would be like if the manager suddenly discontinued crayons or the colorable place settings. Can you imagine? And despite the fact that I’m spewing chunks of this Thai Shrimp Salad, I’m not angry at Disney. After all, who among us hasn’t been forced to decide between keeping all stories predictably white or…not doing that? It’s a tough call. Do you know what isn’t a tough call? Whether I should have another Margarita before I leave (I should) and if the executives at Disney should ruin Bambi (they shouldn’t).

And sure, you may wonder why a 39 year-old marketing manager on his lunch break has such a passion for fairy tales. But in doing so, you would reveal your profound ignorance concerning a crucial fact: this isn’t about us. It’s about our children. I don’t have kids, but if I did, would I want them exposed to nefarious non-American influences. You hear that Disney? “No, Gracias!” What? No, sorry: I will absolutely have another Margarita.

Make no mistake, a storm is coming… kind of like the pungent aroma that’s starting to overpower this table. It’s probably because I’m sitting near the restroom, I wouldn’t worry about it. The battle is just beginning in animated form, but it’s a war that’s been fought for centuries. Will we allow ourselves to be overtaken by the foreign hordes? I certainly won’t. I realize that my voice is well-above acceptable volume, but you have to understand that this a veritable clash of civilizations. And yeah, I’ll take the check.

Again, I’m definitely not mad about Disney’s decision. I could care less. It doesn’t matter that Disney is pushing a leftist agenda, I don’t mind that they’ve decided to destroy Bambi, and I definitely did NOT shit my pants over the course of this conversation. I’m just disappointed in Disney, embarrassed for Disney, and intensely anxious for the welfare of future generations. There’s no reason to call security, I’ll be happy to leave. But first, would you sign my petition to have Disney Release Bambi’s Birth Certificate for Verification of US Citizenship?

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