Whether we care to admit it or not, right now, America is in the midst of a crisis… A loneliness crisis. According to the Cigna health organization, living in a state of loneliness is just as dangerous as “smoking 15 cigarettes a day.”

Oof. That’s right. Fifteen cigarettes a day.

And, given the obvious health risks associated with long-term smoking, not only is this a terrifying statistic. But even more importantly, it has caused me, personally, to reconsider the many, harmful ways in which I've been conducting my life.

Because, you see, if being lonely really is just as dangerous as smoking… then, yeah. I guess you could say that I like living my life on the wild side, baby!

Ooh yeah. I’m the James Dean of loneliness, folks! Jealous, much?

That’s right. I’m bad. Bad at communicating, that is! I like to live fast, and die young (and lonely). ‘Cause I’m a rebel without a cause and/or friends. And I don’t give a rat’s ass what anybody thinks about me… because I usually don’t have enough meaningful, long-term relationships in my life for that to even be an issue!

Ooooh yeah. I’m the enfant terrible of loneliness.

Think I got plans this Friday night? Think again, asshole! This weekend, I’m gonna be metaphorically inhaling the loneliness-equivalent of five packs of Marlboros. And you can bet your sweet, little butt that these loneliness-ciggies are gonna be unfiltered, baby.

Mmm, you like that? Ooh, I bet you do! Yeah, I’m not even gonna try to be sociable this weekend! I’m just gonna eat microwavable pizza in bed while I binge-watch the entirety of WandaVision in one sitting. And, sure, you’re probably thinking “Wait, didn’t WandaVision come out, like, eight months ago?”

It did… But I’m rewatching it, baby!

Hell, I’m such a gosh-darn bad boy, that, sometimes, I’ll go out of my way to be lonely! Yeah, I’m the Leonardo Da frickin’ Vinci of avoiding meaningful human interactions. For example, last week, I made up a fictional doctor’s appointment in order to avoid going to a real-life housewarming party. How’s that for living like a rock star?? I could have made friends that evening… But I didn’t! I just stayed at home, turned off all the lights, and then re-watched the hit television miniseries WandaVision on my dad’s Disney+ account.

Yup. That’s right. You heard me. This weekend isn’t going to be the first time that I’ll be rewatching WandaVision… It’s the fourth time, baby!

But, you see, that’s just the way I roll, folks! Cause I’m not just lonely… I’m dangerously lonely! I drink lonely-beer; I wear a leather jacket made entirely out of “not having friends;” I smoke loneliness-cigarettes, and drive through on-coming traffic on the metaphorical motorcycle of despair… And you can bet your ass that I ain’t wearing a helmet in this hypothetical metaphor, folks. No siree!

Because I’m the Carlos Santana of loneliness! Which is to say that I’m just as good at being lonely, as Carlos Santana is at playing guitar. And, in case you’ve forgotten… Santana is really good at playing guitar!

So listen up, folks: because the next time you’re watching an old movie, and you see Clint Eastwood puffing down a cigarillo, I want you to think of me. Because I’m not just a bitter, misanthropic recluse. No, I’m an untamed stallion who doesn’t play by the rules: I RSVP “maybe” on every Facebook event I’m invited to, and I binge-watch TV shows faster than Joe Camel smokes down cool, cool menthols. That’s right, I'm a bad boy, folks!

I trust that I’m not alone in having this opinion… But, if I am, that will only make me even cooler.


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