As CEO, I am pleased to provide a detailed accounting of how the pandemic has affected MY LIFE, Inc. for the six months ending August 31, 2020.
Our stakeholders are quite diverse, so let me address you individually:
First, MY LIFE’s co-founders—Mom & Pop LLC:
You sacrificed a lot to nurture MY LIFE from wobbly startup to self-sustaining enterprise, and I think you’ll agree that MY LIFE has paid handsome dividends for 39 pre-pandemic years, especially since the successful launch of our core product, hereunto referred to as “The Grandchild Series.”
The Grandchild Series v. I, II, and III love you even though they never send thank-you notes and only communicate via text, which unfortunately your flip-phones do not accommodate.
And although COVID-19 travel restrictions prevent you from visiting headquarters to assess product development, be assured that The Grandchild Series is being installed with table manners, Midwestern values, and instructions to only punch up, never down, when exercising humor.
Monitoring screen time, however, is no longer a strategic priority, and I am not proud to share that all versions in the series are being exposed to unlimited hours of Disney movies, TikTok, and on a really bad day entire seasons of Below Deck Med.
Co-founders, I’ll remind you that MY LIFE’s incubation period was not perfect, and theirs won’t be either. That said, thanks for decades of flinching support.
To our vendors with emotional and/or equity stakes—MY LIFE’s Therapist, Accountant, and Keto Nutritionist:
The SEC requires me to state that past contributions to MY LIFE’s well-being risk being negated by quarantine’s side effects, which include depression, an inability to make small talk (or anything other than Chef Boyardee for dinner), and increased debt due to excess home decor items purchased on Wayfair.
At this time, 13 pounds have been gained from failure to extract MY LIFE’s Core Operating System from the couch after consuming all the Mint Milanos that were stockpiled at the beginning of the pandemic, just in case vital supply chains were disrupted.
Streaming Ashtanga yoga could mitigate muscle loss, but the app’s turn-off-camera feature means that many poses are often replaced with Happy Baby.
That said, vendors remain vital to MY LIFE’s well-being, so please continue to send invoices. Just don’t expect Venmo payments anytime soon.
To our lead investor, My Employer Corp.:
For the past six months, MY LIFE has failed to meet your deadlines, sales quotas, and all reasonable expectations. But as discussed during several very uncomfortable Zoom calls, homeschooling has become another full-time job. In addition to being CEO of MY LIFE, I am now principal of What-the-F#@k-Do-I-Know Elementary.
Yet without My Employer Corp.’s bi-weekly influx of funds, MY LIFE would be forced to abandon environmentally sound practices like purchasing organic produce and leasing our Tesla Model X SUV. In addition, essential maintenance like bee venom facial peels and chakra cleansing by a virtual shaman would cease immediately. Such budget cuts will have consequences for the Earth and my soul that are impossible to quantify, so let’s not even try.
What’s more, MY LIFE is being accused of moral bankruptcy by two activist shareholders (soon to be known to as My-Former-In-Laws, per below), which means financial bankruptcy would be a double whammy.
I remain grateful for My Employer Corp.'s support of MY LIFE even though it’s no longer a win-win. Your patience is my asset.
This seems like a good time to mention that MY LIFE has no new products in the pipeline because in June our COO ran off with our VP of Childcare. MY LIFE’s co-founders are quite pleased with themselves to report that they knew this would happen eventually. And our Board of Directors (aka my seven bridesmaids) want it stated for the record that they repeatedly advised me not to hire a runner-up for Miss Montana as live-in help.
This unfortunate outcome brings me to MY LIFE’s newest investor, Doug from Tinder:
Welcome to MY LIFE, Doug! There’s so much goodness to discover, although admittedly it’s hard to assess the quality of our operations through FaceTime dates and masked meetups. Unfortunately, you will not be able to get a true taste of our facilities until there is a vaccine, which, depending on your politics, could be next year or later this afternoon.
For now, I hope you’ll refrain from investing time and attention in competitors. Please, Doug, play the long game and hang on to this stock! MY LIFE has a track record of delivering mind-blowing returns for our most embedded investors. I guarantee you will not be disappointed with future performance—our COO’s recent departure notwithstanding.
In closing, weathering COVID-19 has been challenging. But MY LIFE has lucrative years ahead despite the inevitable depreciation of physical assets and an existing product line that may never know algebra, history, or why their fearful leader drinks three tiny glasses of “water” for dessert each night before crying herself to sleep.
To investors disappointed with MY LIFE’s performance prior to or since the pandemic, all I can say is that CEOs make mistakes. So sue me. I’m only human.
Stay Safe and Sane,
Chief Executive Officer
MY LIFE, Inc.