Hey Sandra. Cute scarf! How’s your morning going?

I’m doing well, but I did turn on the radio on my way here and heard some disturbing news. Did you know that there’s like… a serious hunger epidemic going on globally? And more importantly, did you know that the office assistant switched to ordering from Fresh Direct for our completely free and always stocked break room snacks? I know! Finally, we can eat Chickpeatos, a healthy and more expensive alternative to the other sustenance we’ve always had laying around. Anyway, so I guess about 40 million people are struggling with hunger or something.

Such a bummer! Oh, I'm just gonna squeeze past you to find a pre-lunch goodie real quick.

Did you know in America, 1 in 6 children may not know where they’ll get their next meal? I literally just learned that today. Isn’t that horrible? Ooooh, macro bars!! Wait, it’s not the coconut almond butter ones? Barf, am I right Sandra? Yeah, just throw them in the trash. No one's gonna eat those.

Learning that over 800 million people are undernourished really opened my eyes to the fact that the global population is huge! I always assume there’s a lot of people in the world but wow that’s a lot. What can I say, I’m not much of a numbers person. Also many of those people are hungry and that’s bad. I hate that feeling. That’s why I’m always hanging out here in the breakroom. The second my stomach starts to rumble I have the overwhelming urge to yell at an intern. I can’t imagine how all of the starving people’s interns are feeling. Yikes.

Ugh, I’ve just been thinking and thinking nonstop for the last 26 minutes about what I can do to help but I'm coming up blank. Besides rent and food, most of my check goes to nonprofits anyway. And by nonprofits, I mean the spa days where I spend that money on myself and absolutely don’t profit off of it at all. Besides having perfectly elastic skin. I think I need some protein to get my ideas flowing! Throw me the little meat and cheese pack.

Do you want anything? There’s every flavor of oatmeal in here and something called “goatmeal.” Oh! Maybe we could donate the apple spice oatmeal since it’s been sitting in there for the last four years I've been at this company. Wow, am I a hero?

Jesus H. Christ. Who got regular Cheerios and not the Honey Nut Cheerios? We work with literal monsters here Sandra. Well, I guess I'll just starve for another hour until the daily catering comes. Unacceptable.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.