MEMORANDUM

DATE: 17 July, 2020
TO: The Fight Club (and Project Mayhem) Community
FROM: Tyler Durden
SUBJECT: Fight Club’s Response to the Covid-19 Pandemic

Space Monkeys,

Civilization is crumbling, as surely as your vital organs are undergoing programmed cell death. This is natural. It is inevitable. It’s not even anything to write home about.

Even so, we as a company—and I as an individual—value the health and safety of our members. And we take the threat posed by the novel coronavirus seriously.

I know what you’re thinking: the Mona Lisa’s falling apart, brass on the Titanic, eggs and omelettes, yatta yatta yatta. One could absolutely use my own words against me here, if one were so inclined. But I also happen to be part of a high-risk population. I’m on the wrong side of 50. And although I quit smoking years ago, the routine physical abuse I have subjected my body to since the ‘90s has compromised my immune system in profound ways. I am sure the same is true for many of you gentlemen out there.

With that in mind, I have made some temporary modifications to the rules of Fight Club, in accordance with CDC guidelines. These changes are effective immediately and should be further refined on a case-by-case basis to comply with recommendations from state and local officials.

Here are the new rules, to be stated aloud at every meeting of Fight Club until further notice:

Rule #1: You do not talk about Fight Club, except when complying with contact tracing inquiries.

Rule #2: You DO NOT TALK about Fight Club. (Okay, let’s be honest—enforcement of this one has always been a bit spotty, and withholding critical information about social activities makes the effort to stop the spread of the virus more difficult. So let’s just put this one in quotation marks: You “DO NOT TALK” about Fight Club. Wink wink.)

Rule #3: If someone says “stop,” goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. If someone coughs, demonstrates shortness of breath, or has a fever, the fight does not begin.

Rule #4: Only two guys to a fight, and no more than ten members total at any gathering. Participants should maintain a distance of at least six feet between them whenever possible, whether fighting or not. Consider this an opportunity to practice your footwork and evasive maneuvers.

Rule #5: One fight at a time, fellas. Or none. There really is no way to do this safely. I mean, come on… we’re sweating and breathing and slobbering all over each other. It’s disgusting and unsanitary even when we’re not in the middle of a pandemic.

Rule #6: No shirts, no shoes, but other PPE including masks and gloves are required for all in attendance.

Rule #7: Fights will go on as long as they have to, with breaks in between to allow thorough sanitation of the combat area. Adequate ventilation should also be a priority. We are aware that these requirements raise complicated issues with respect to Rules #1 and #2. We ask everyone to remain flexible and patient in this difficult time as we seek a balance between adhering to Fight Club’s core principles and protecting the health and safety of its members—whom we “don’t talk about.” (Wink wink.)

Rule #8: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight. But first you must have your temperature taken and provide evidence that you have tested negative for Covid-19 within the last 72 hours and/or quarantined locally for at least ten days.

Brothers: The time to grind our capitalist economic order into dust will come. Governments will be overthrown. The first free people in a thousand years will wear the tattered remains of our national flags as loincloths. We will dance around bonfires in the ruins of our corporate prisons. We will feed the flames with our old financial and medical records… after we have successfully flattened the curve and lowered community spread to manageable levels.

And remember, if you see anyone refusing to wear a mask or social distance—even me—you gotta take his balls.

Stay safe,
Tyler Durden


And now a quick joke...

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco’s floors.