It’s health plan open enrollment time again at St. Phlegm’s Unity Doctors System (SPUDS), and since our takeover by a predatory hedge fund, we have news about exciting changes.

Last year, as many pointed out, SPUDS confused everyone by naming the insurance plans after the moons on Saturn: Tethys, Rhea, and Enceladus. Then you claimed more puzzlement when we added enhancements: Pro Less than Gold, Pro More than Silver, and Gold Plus Silver Less Pro. Perplexing? You bet

As a result, this year, we switched everyone to a batch of plans named after fruit—Mango, Berry, and Banana, and, following an enrollee survey of the only scientific concepts you could easily remember, we re-named the extra enhancements, Innie and Outie.

So, this year, those in last year’s Rhea Gold Plus Silver Less Pro will, for example, be in the Mango Outie plan that has colossally different benefits.

For instance, last year we paid 90% of your hospital stay. This year, that’s been reduced to zilch. Same with doctor’s visits. Last year there was a $50 deductible. This year, we won’t pay a cent. And so on. In every category, just repeat the words “nada,” “zippo,” “nothing,” and you’ll grasp the simplicity of our arrangement.

Also this year, there are some general changes covering everyone.

Hospital lollygagging: We’re not a motel. We advocate universal outpatient care. The new insurance plan will no longer pay for any hospital overnight stay. If you need rest and have nowhere else to go, we’ll get you a top bunk at a nearby youth hostel. Otherwise, enjoy your recovery at home.

Surgical costs: We pay for surgeries based on how long we think it should take. For instance, if you needed a double lung transplant and separation from your conjoined twin, we estimate a really speedy surgeon high on Red Bull and Adderall could get it knocked out in, say, four hours and 20 minutes. That’s all we’ll pay for.

Special surgical note: Because our hedge fund overlords have closed 20 of our 21 U.S. hospitals, all surgeries must be done at St. Phlegm’s in Fort Smith, Arkansas.

Ambulance joyrides: This year’s plans have no windfall payment for weaklings who thought it was jolly good fun to ride in an ambulance with the siren going. We will, however, reimburse gas money if you show up in Ft. Smith on a tractor, golf cart, or atop one of our approved farm animals.

Lab tests overused: No reimbursement anymore. Look, your blood just doesn’t change that much, so skip the new tests and use the numbers from last year.

X-rays: Not this year. If you need to see your bone pictures, download the DIY phone app MyXray. The pics you take will be just as good as the ancient, East German, plutonium beam relics we have.

The doctor of your choice: Don’t think we are going to subsidize those quacks who are paying off huge student loans from elitist medical schools. No, we encourage pro bono visits to our high school student helpers in Ft. Smith. Even if they don’t know much, they are enthusiastic—like Doogie Howser

Urgent Care Visits: Hah. We will kick in $5 toward the bill if you can prove that these people have graduated from a medical school.

Maternity care: We pay expenses during the first four months of pregnancy. Anything after that is on your tab.

Out-of-state or -country emergencies: Are you kidding? Our focus is local. Better drag your sorry ass to Ft. Smith if you want to even see a nickel.

Attacks by alligators: A $500 deductible if you were more than half-swallowed without being chewed. (not applicable in Florida)

Semi-electrocutions while changing recessed light fixture over the toilet: No medical expenses, but we pay up to $160 to repair the light fixture.

Concussions suffered after falling over while putting on pants in the morning: It’s your own stupid fault. Not ours. No reimbursement.

We thank you for continuing to be a valued member of the SPUDS family.


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