Maybe you spend your days chasing bare-assed two-year-olds who have zero interest in learning how to use a toilet,  or wondering how to console your sobbing first-grader about his inability to grow wings. Maybe you’re fantasizing about a world where children sleep in their own beds, where teenagers answer questions with more than a grunt and a look of disdain, and where women are afforded the luxury of showering long enough to shave both legs.

Don't you want to escape to a world like that? Even if only for a short time?

Now….  You can!

From the company that brought your kids Magic: The Gathering, comes the fantasy role-playing card game just for moms, Mothers: The Maddening!

Players assume the role of tired wizards, casting spells and summoning creatures to do their bidding and to help fold laundry. You’ll engage in strategic battles with other weary women to collect points that can be used toward a girls’ night out, in which your husband will call no fewer than three times because he can’t locate Mr. Chuckles the monkey and do you know where he is?

Experience a world where you’ll rely on sorcery to make your wildest dreams come true and to make your teenagers bring the trashcans to the curb without a ten-minute diatribe. Compete in card-to-card combat with fellow moms whose socks also don’t match. Use enchantments to magically refill the fridge with a never-ending supply of Gogurts or to silence an unrelentingly sassy backtalker.

Your goal? To reduce your opponent’s life total to zero. (Which may feel kind of redundant given they’ve been doing the school drop-off in their pajamas and keep falling asleep on the couch before 8 PM.)

Start building your own unique deck with beautifully illustrated cards designed just for Mothers: The Maddening:

Nap of the Unicorn: When played, it induces sleepiness in even the most restless toddler.

Keeper of the Reliable Babysitter’s Phone Number: Guarantees player will never miss another book club or friend’s birthday party. May be played against the “Keeper of the Pediatric Specialist With the Three-Month Waiting List.”

Demonic Pact: Cardholder offers a pre-dinner ice cream in exchange for ending a not-of-this-world tantrum.

Scorn of the Teen: Unless you are holding an elusive “Show Your Mother Some Respect” card, prepare for an onslaught of eyerolls and sighing. I mean, more than usual.

Just as you so skillfully repurposed your infant’s onesies into air plant holders, Wizards of the Coast boasts similar ingenuity. We’ve modified some of our traditional Magic: The Gathering cards for our Mothers: The Maddening edition. These cards include:

Eyes Everywhere: Particularly useful to moms of toddlers who have recently discovered that socks can, in fact, be flushed down the toilet.

Eternal Taskmaster: When wielded, minors must obey your every nefarious command, including loading the dishwasher, taking the dog for a walk, and bringing their hamper to the laundry room. Oh, the horrors!

Swift Death: When played, it's what your seventh grader will experience if she shows up to school tomorrow with her old backpack and not the cute floofy one (plus matching pencil case) all her friends are carrying.

Descent into Madness: Cardholder will have to go to the basement at 7:50 PM in search of old poster board for the science presentation your nine-year-old just informed you is due tomorrow. Can only be avoided if player is in possession of a “CVS Is Still Open” card.

New cards will be released on a regular basis through our expansion sets. Look for our “Breakfast in Bed Is Simply Not Worth the Mess” set, coming out in May, just in time for Mother’s Day!

You’ll find Mothers: The Maddening in the game aisle at Target, the wine section at Trader Joe’s, or wherever Xanax is sold!


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