Welcome to Saint Memorial General Hospital. I'm your doctor, star of NBC's new medical drama. No, not that one. The other one. No, that one got cancelled. The other one.

As your extremely hot doctor, I promise you, I'm going to break ALL the rules today. I'm also maybe going to SAVE your LIFE. Of course, you're VERY sick and no one knows why, so my colleagues will remind me that we can't save everyone. Except me, I CAN save everyone—I am such an anomaly!

If you do die, rest assured your death will be an enormous burden for me personally. I WILL smash some medical equipment in the immediate aftermath. Bet you thought rules were the only thing I liked to break. Well, get used to having your expectations subverted. I've got a perfectly symmetrical face and a taste for insubordination. Let's fucking do this.

Want to know why I became a doctor? When I was little my mom and I were in a TERRIBLE car crash. My mom DIED at the scene of the accident. This was a HUGE bummer for me because, get this, my dad is a MEAN alcoholic who NEVER believed in me. The accident was SO bad that I should've died, too, but I DIDN'T, because I NEVER do what's expected of me. Now I wander the halls of this hospital, breaking ALL the rules and sexily projecting my childhood trauma onto unsuspecting patients. Don't thank me. It's what I do.

Here's how our relationship is going to go: if you're a man, I'll bond with you for up to 20 seconds over sports and/or how we hate our dads. Look at my bedside manner. It is SO good. If you're a hot woman, we may date (this will NOT last more than a couple episodes because I am VERY complicated and you will NEVER understand what it's like to be a doctor. Sorry, babe. I'll never forget how I saved your life). If you're an elderly woman, you can give me motherly advice. Remember, my mom DIED in a car crash and that is my WHOLE backstory. If you're an average-looking woman we WILL never speak, but I MIGHT still save your life.

You're lucky you're here—this is the BEST hospital in the country. ALL of our doctors are SEXY, except for the uptight woman in neurology. Don't worry, she'll BECOME sexy next week when I convince her to relax and also take off her glasses, and that's symbolism, baby. We WILL have passionate sex for three episodes, which you'll know by the brief shots of my unmade bed.

Then I WILL end it abruptly and she will NEVER understand why. What did she expect? I'm just a sexy maverick with a dead mom. Women's feelings are like rules—I fucking LIVE to treat them with utter disregard.

Have you met our chief of medicine? Ugh, DON'T get me started on him. It will shock both you and me to discover that I remind him a lot of himself when he was younger, but we clash CONSTANTLY because he is SUCH a stickler for the rules, to which I am LITERALLY allergic. The good news is that IF you die it WILL finally bring us together. He'll confess that he admires me, an employee who never does a single thing that is asked of me. “Don't thank me,” I'll tell him. “It's what I do.”

Listen, you might live or you might die—either way I WILL break ALL the rules today. Even the ones I probably could've just followed to make everyone's lives easier. Regulations? Never heard of them. Proper protocol? Does NOT ring a bell. Insurance? UMMM, what even is that?

If your death REALLY shakes me, I might also drink excessively about it for several episodes until one of the hot lady doctors reminds me about my alcoholic dad. Then me and the hot lady doctor will get it on, but I WILL think about you and your deadness afterwards, staring wistfully off a balcony while a cover of “What a Wonderful World” plays. Do you get it? That's CONTRAST, because the world is NOT wonderful, because you are DEAD just like my DEAD MOM. Nothing is wonderful, except for me, and THAT is my cross to bear.

Remember that two-minute conversation we had? Once you're almost dead, I'm SUDDENLY going to remember something you said during those two minutes, allowing me to SOLVE your MEDICAL MYSTERY. Somehow I am now the protagonist of YOUR life, and it is SO hot.

We need a Hail Mary! Out of my way, I've got lives to save! I don't care what the tests say—goddamnit, we've got to try! These are things I will yell as I break every rule in the goddamn book. Uh oh, looks like the episode's wrapping up. Are you dead? Are you alive?

Tune in next week to find out! (You are dead.)