“She presents a remarkable lens into the fascinating world of urban society’s most enduring adversary. A true virtuoso of her craft.”
“Hands down the most evasive little shit I’ve ever tried to kill.”
—Bob Truncher, CEO, Brooklyn PestCo Disposal
What you need to understand is that being a cockroach is more than just eating, sleeping, and breeding. It is, first and foremost, about inspiring fear.
Many of you are curious about who I am and what I do. At the end of the day, you should know that I didn’t go to school for this. I didn’t have a curriculum to learn from. What I am about to share with you is simply biology. It is in my blood; my exoskeleton; my antennal flagella. I was born to hide away in the deepest crevices of this sink in order to terrorize the Large Meaty Ones, and now I am here to share what I know… with you.
I want to make something very clear: if you’re just looking to have a little fun zooming around the tiled kitchen floors of some nice, unsuspecting family, maybe pop out a few egg capsules, and then die, this isn’t the class for you. But, if surviving—nay, thriving—is in your blood; if you long for the screams of the startled rentee; if the smell of gel bait makes you weep with the knowledge that you’ve done a hard day’s infesting, then maybe, just maybe, I can teach you something life-changing.
Together, you and I shall become pioneers of pest control vexation by breaking down what I call “The Art of Infestation.” You’ll learn essential tips and tricks of the trade from carefully-chosen lessons I have prepared just for you. These lessons include:
Chapter 3: Feeding
For The Cockroach, feeding is the most integral part of the infestation process. When you can eat virtually anything, what stands out amongst the fridge lint and human fingernails?
“Say it with me: decay, decay, decay. Cheese? The smellier the better. Meat? Let’s see that greenish tinge first. Also, if pressed for time, you can absolutely eat your children with zero judgment.”
Chapter 5: Breeding
The Cockroach talks about her most effective reproductive strategies, including a special guide to how to stay desirable whilst nursing your ootheca egg sac.
“Store sperm over long periods of time to more easily lay multiple egg capsules and avoid awkward sexual rejection. You know what they say, ladies: if no one wants to knock you up right now, at least someone did a few months ago, and that’s all you need for baby makin’.”
Chapter 12: Surviving and Thriving
According to The Cockroach, anywhere and everywhere can be a home as long as you keep moving. Learn about the most advantageous locations to reside, from shoes to post-apocalyptic bunkers.
“Keep your hosts alert by consistently and methodically changing where you live. Under the bed? They are paralyzed with fear at night, unable to pee. In the shower drain? They lose the will to bathe, creating more flaky skin cells for your enjoyment. Inside their ears? It’s dark, comfy, and a constant source of nourishment.”
Chapter 20: Case Study, The Element of Surprise
Dissect moments from The Cockroach’s most memorably startling visits, with a focus on time management and speedrunning.
“Perhaps the most important thing I can teach you is to always, always make them think they’ve successfully rid themselves of you. Only then should you strike. Last week I made a grand entrance in the Large Meaty Male’s spaghetti a full six months after he thought that the traps had worked. He relieved himself in fear. Let’s examine exactly how I made it happen.”
Other Chapters Include:
- Breaking Down My Motivational Process
- Trap Avoidance
- Developing Your Night-time Routine
- Perfecting the Art of Skittering
- Thorax Grooming
- Living Your Best Life Without a Head
As a 542-day veteran of the Large Meaty Ones’ cupboard under the sink, I am prepared, for the first time ever, to pass down my tried-and-tested wisdom so that you can learn from my mistakes, and most importantly, my victories. After this class, you can scuttle away, confident that you possess the skills that will help you become the disease-ridden nightmare machine you always knew you could be.
So. Hide yourself away, get comfortable, and let us begin.
I’m the cockroach that lives under the sink, and this… is my MasterClass.