Hi Honey,
Look, I’m very sorry.
I know you’ve been expecting a proposal, and I could tell from the shade of orange the ring turned that you were embarrassed. Particularly since this was in front of your family and friends and a videographer was recording.
But, I’m glad you kept the ring on, as when we moved away to have a private discussion, I could tell from the vivid scarlet red that the ring had shifted to that you were furious. Also, you said I was a “cheapskate fool” who never knew what I wanted.
Luckily, I could tell when the jewelry dissolved into fuschia that your rage was masking, “a range of emotions, including surprise, anxiety, restlessness, and confusion.” (That’s from the website.) So here, let me explain. Maybe I can change the color of your mood ring from fuchsia to the color of contentment and love (light pink or cerulean, depending).
I know that we’ve been in this holding pattern of me waiting to propose for a while now, and I knew I had to act fast when you woke up and caught me measuring your fingers with that clay and string. You’ll notice the mood ring is perfectly fitted to your ring finger, the better to read your every emotion. If only that mood ring were a crystal ball (which I also considered) and allowed me a glimpse into your future emotions, such as your latent rage when presented with the jewelry in question.
Yes, I could’ve gotten you a beautiful emerald, your birthstone, or a lab-grown diamond, because the diamond industry is built on blood and exploitation, and also they're way cheaper. The other day, I was staring at a beautiful princess-cut diamond fitted to a rose gold 24-karat band, the very ring you said you had always wanted since you were a child. It was in the window at the Tiffany’s at the mall. I almost walked in and purchased it right then and there.
But then I continued on to Spencer’s Gifts.
You’ve often said how you wish I could read your emotions better. How you wish I would know when to offer solutions, or that you don’t want a beaded curtain for the front door, or a lava lamp chandelier, or that thing that when you touch it it does the lightning. I’ve often told you that I’m not a mind-reader, to my chagrin.
Well now, with the mood ring, I can be! I can tell from the second I suggest something whether your heart is filled with “glee and anticipation” or “boredom and disgust” (bright yellow and dark brown, respectively).
And you know I trust you implicitly, but, if you’re ever lying, the ring would instantly turn “a mottled gray, indicative of deceit.” I trust you completely, of course.
This mood ring is like location sharing, but for your heart. I wanted to explain all that, but as you turned away from me, I could tell from the mood ring’s deep shade of purple that you had suddenly reached a place of genuine clarity.
And as the mood stone turned black, I could tell that you were sinking into the depths of deepest despair, or possibly there was water damage. I’m really sorry, we have 30 days to return it.