• Cup your hands behind your head, put your feet up on the dash and take a power nap.
  • Tantric yoga, howling wolf impressions, or blissfully wiggling your finger in your ear. If you must close your eyes for any of these activities, do not do it, it will make things worse.
  • Have a texting argument or shouting match.
  • Wear noise-cancelling headphones. Which, under the circumstances, are technically illegal. Nonetheless, a tempting deterrent against that rude truck driver you just cut off.
  • Post resumes, loving tweets, or angst-ridden Sylvia Plath-style poetry online. An added risk here is that one simple distraction—say a honk from a neighboring car—and bang goes all your hard work! To be lost forever, or to arrive at its destination in questionable form. You will be miserable and unable to forgive yourself.
  • Gaze lovingly at yourself in the rearview mirror or, apropos of Sylvia Plath, hatefully.
  • Read Sylvia Plath poetry in a book or on an e-reader, while listening to FOX NEWS Radio. This could result in a sense of alienation from your surroundings, a wish for self-annihilation, and the temptation to reach for said illegal, noise-cancelling headphones.
  • Brush your teeth. The resultant foam will give you the appearance of some rabid beast, and will alarm others, especially if you’re sporting a full beard.
  • Brush your teeth while head-banging to the heavy metal guitar battle while listening also to cold-hearted Sarah Huckabee Sanders ramble, mashing together to a heavy metal mega-hit, that we'll call, “Who’ll be Fired Next?” on your illegal, noise-cancelling headphones. Not only will you appear rabid, but depending on your age, in the throes of a libidinous frenzy or a seizure.
  • Shave any part of your anatomy. Note: raising an arm to depilate a pit could send mixed messages to the driver behind, especially if you happen to make eye contact. They may think you’re flipping them off or coyly flirting—and could react badly.
  • Do an arm workout—presumably, you are driving with your knees, at this point. The driver behind may assume you are waving them to go around you. If you happen to be on a winding, single-lane mountain road, they will not appreciate your suggestion either to pass on a bend into on-coming traffic, or to drive off a cliff.
  • Attempt to eat, and then smoke a burrito-sized joint labeled “Estás jodido, bebé.” (Which for non-Spanish speakers means, “you are fucked baby!”) It will turn you into a tabula rasa! Your aching jaw, your empty brain, your diminishing speed, and the likelihood of passing out, will definitely piss off the driver behind you.
  • Now that you are stoned out of your tiny mind, reach over the back for anything remotely out of range. For example, a pack of scrappy yet well-dressed Chihuahuas that are currently tearing your backseat to shreds, or something similar. This could not only force you to lock eyeballs with the driver behind—who, understandably, will want to kill you—but you could pull a muscle.
  • Despite being on a winding, single-lane mountain road, and wearing those illegal, noise-cancelling headphones, rise up over the steering wheel, lift your legs in the air, and perform a handstand. You may feel very confident about your driving abilities and want to impress, but still, this is a very unsafe maneuver.
  • Now that you’re facing backward, become paranoid that the same driver, who is currently tailgating (in a warranted attempt to get your license), is not actually a frustrated middle-aged man driving his wife and kids back from a camping trip. Instead, he’s an orange-faced clown; his passengers, hanging out of windows and waving, are bloodied-toothed White House clowns; and cold-hearted Sarah Sanders, under the guise of camping equipment, is strapped to the roof.
  • In a panic, drive off a cliff. Oh well… I tried to warn you. Hasta la vista, baby!
Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.